After living for so long with the vacuum-like “hoovering” of my Borderline Personality husband, my sense of reality shifts until I don’t know anymore what the weather is outside.
How am I to know what the weather is today if I can’t step out to feel?
I have lost contact with my community of friends and family. Neighbors are people who live in houses around me. My car takes me faithfully to work and back. Back is the hard part. Who wants to enter a crazy house?
And yet, it’s all I have known for so many years.
My husband is a high functioning BP. He throws it all at me. The pitiful not-put-together wife. The one who can’t manage. And can’t get up in the morning. The inept human.
Also, the villain, the witch, the control freak and … you-name-it.
My husband is so robotic that sometimes I feel like punching him so I can see some blood and attest to the fact that a heart does beat inside.
His heart is hidden under dissociation and fear.
I still miss my family and friends. And secretly (hard to admit this) I still miss my husband – the one who will actualize his potential.
I still plan on entering a profession that I love and that utilizes my talents.
I try to walk outside every day to feel the weather and soak in the sun. If it’s not sun, then rain. If it’s not rain, then fog. If it’s not fog, then clouds. So long as there’s weather.