Tonight, feeling the gravity of my situation, and feeling terribly trapped, I willed my husband a quick and easy death. I reasoned that if the process would go smoothly, it would be the easiest way for me to be free.
Divorcing him would be so ugly. He is a fighter, a complainer, and a blamer. He is a manipulator and narcissist. He is not in touch with reality and I fear the backlash.
It was not the first time I let my mind wander to such a place.
Praying and wishing for my husband to die is a form of wanting to control another person.
When I realized that I needed an alternative wish, I said the Serenity Prayer –
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
And wisdom to know the difference.
If I learned anything yet in my life, it is that it is impossible to change another person.
As much as I want to blame my stuff on the other’s behavior, it still leaves just myself that I can change.
What needs change in me?
I can be more assertive and set better limits. I can be more active and invested in my own recovery. I can work on getting out of victim mode. I can get as much support as I need.
I sense within me a burning desire and burning anger. The simultaneous feelings of wanting to be happy and wanting my husband dead – they really cannot co-exist.
If my mind is focused on wanting him dead, it is in the Controlling frame of mind.
And if my mind is in the desire-to- be-happy state, it is in the Receiving state of mind.
A controlling frame of mind is useful for just one thing – making me feel horrid and out of control.
When I seek true happiness, I can accomplish great things and be open to expansion.
When I take tiny steps, even half-baby-steps, towards serenity, joy, fun, and pleasure – I build confidence in my own abilities. This gives me energy to take further steps to increase my joy in this life.
Where my marriage is headed remains to be seen.
I need to remember that when I avoid facing the feelings and the facts, it doesn’t do me any good. Pretending to myself that I am happy when I am sad, causes me terrible anguish. On the other hand, living in a state of sadness is extremely painful.
I am learning how to balance my load. Perhaps there are some packages that I can get off my back. The first one, I guess, would be wishing my husband dead. That is one package I can leave to the One who Created him.
Just tonight I heard my husband whispering to G-d to save him.
I wonder if we share the same G-d.
If we do, then I need some alone time with Him.
There is a lot to discuss.