Finding Myself Through His Alienation ~Poem 

the man is a sworn enemy of mine
he lives to lick my wounds
he stares into the empty space between us
awaits the day that I will vacate
so he can grab the space

If I would cease to exist
and eliminate myself from his life
would he be happier?

the extension of his messes
onto me
feel like alienation to the nth degree

at his Tabernacle of Feasts
he gloats with his friends
over finds and me
and fancies himself with fine wine
and frolics all night with a feverish dine

I am past the stage of wishing for more
I am past the stage of hoping it will be over
I am past the stage of release and regret
I am past the stage of powerful emotions
I am begetting a generation of debtors
a future of listless adults
who wage no war
and believe in no change
and stand for nothing

so is the future of all doomsayers
and masses of men who come to believe
that this is a way of life
to feel nothing
to want nothing
to give nothing
to get nothing

and inside my heart
I know
I want
I care
I will not cease to exist
I will not cease to reason

I will blossom and gloat
just as he
over my find
which is me

————

I wrote this poem a year ago. At that point, I hadn’t explored BPD and was not able to admit how out of control my marriage was.  This poem was written from the subconscious and reflects deep pain, confusion and the knowledge that if I keep up this pattern without looking for real change, I will lose myself totally. It took me a while to appreciate the message and I am glad to share it with you now.

Enjoy!

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