Ever since I can remember, I wanted to know how and why. I love science and physics. I love learning about human nature, psychology and history. There is so much to gain by taking a step back and learning about the way the world works.
I believe that there is always a plan and a reason. I have come to understand that for every good there’s a bad, for every sweet there’s a bitter and for every joy there’s a sorrow. The world needs balance. I have come to believe in the law of attraction and I sincerely believe that I can change. Myself.
My marriage baffles me to no end. So many years. So many tears. It was a mystery and is still a mystery. I used to lie awake in bed at night thinking to myself that only after I die, and can have a one-on-one with G-d, will I ever find out WHY this had to be my lot.
I didn’t realize that I can make sense out of my life down here on this world, before my dying day. I didn’t realize that I don’t have to be a victim and take it all lying down (literally and figuratively). I didn’t know the meaning of reaching out and crying “Help! I’m drowning!” and trusting in a Higher Power to send me the help in the form of human angels.
I jumped into the ring of therapy and solid self-help just to save my children from a terrible fate. I watched the dysfunction spiral out of control and I knew that my husband would finish them off (emotionally) if I don’t step in with force. I knew from past experience that FORCE helps nothing for people like my husband. It would just put me in his “control-freak” wagon and would not effect lasting change.
So I had to take the long way. And become the person that won’t take it. And the mom that will not allow abuse. First I had to define abuse. And take note of what is WRONG!!! I lived it for so long that I lost all words with which to define the sickness. I became a fly on the wall, or rather the paint on the wall, spread so thin and lacking any luster. I saw what was happening inside my home, but I was only two-dimensional and lacked courage to take forward steps towards healing.
There’s hope. I am now working with a spiritual therapist. I am getting in touch with my soul. My soul is old. It has been through many experiences in the past, before I was born. My soul has a story. There’s a reason why I was born into my family of origin and there’s a reason why I married my husband. I have a task on this world and I will find out what it is, regardless of my husband’s mental state.
Here is a greeting card I purchased for myself this week in Barnes and Noble. Inside it says “I love the life we share”. I wrote my inner Sarah a really nice note. She deserves it.