In Part 1 I took note of dysfunction that I have noticed in the area of finances. In Part 2 I will write more about my skewed perception of my husband’s abilities and address the question: if this dysfunction existed throughout my marriage, why did it take me 20 years to take note of the facts.
The question remains – how can it be that I am only able to take note of the extend of the financial dysfunction now? I’ve been married over 20 years. And it has been going on all along.
The answer lies in the nature of my husband’s personality disorder. Since he is a high-functioning BP he gets along fine by putting on the show that he knows exactly what is going on. He has a very strong and sure way of putting others down while sounding perfectly sane and logical. It makes it almost impossible to rise up and call him out on his errors (even in one’s mind). There is crazymaking, bringing up unrelated matters of dispute, and also distortions of the truth that have a flicker of truth to them and it begets terrible confusion.
Why would I wish to believe that my brilliant husband is actually terrible at managing money? How can I believe that when he has locked me out of all grocery shopping due to my supposed inability to budget? He took from me the ability to shop and make choices and learn from mistakes.
He has succeeded in having me think that I may indeed have a spending problem, when I KNOW I don’t and KNEW I didn’t! He has turned the tables on me so many times, while preaching modesty and self-discipline. He has framed me to seem irresponsible and untrustworthy.
Ironically, my boss of 18 years trusts that I am an excellent bookkeeper. One of my duties is to prepare a financial forecast for the company monthly.
I don’t believe that my husband does all this with a conniving intent. His BP mind truly believes I am inept. Holding me down and keeping me locked up and without an area of choice, in essence is what forced me to fight for my right to live and to shop for my family’s needs whether or not he approved. And often it was behind his back and without his knowledge – until the credit card bill arrived.
I have not been able to discuss our differences of opinion (in any area, not just finances). Any time I had a question ex: if I noticed a contradiction in his words or if what he said was impossible to “keep” ( such as: just don’t spend. period.) I would have to swallow it and move on. He moved into fight mode immediately.
I had to disconnect my intellect from my faculties of speech because if they would be connected, the marriage would not survive, and I feared that I would not survive his abusive behavior of raging, ignoring, withholding and defaming.
The confusion was everywhere. Some months he’d cough up the funds to pay the credit card bill without a peep. And others, I would hear about it daily from the day the bill arrived in the mail. He could not even imagine that it is possible to foresee what the bill would be in advance.
My husband only believes what he sees. If the money is in the bank, it’s there. If the bill is in his hands, it’s there. What about the money that is coming in next week? What about the charges that were put on the credit card last week? All that does not exist until he can hold the paper in his hands. Always reading the bank statement AFTER the month is done. Backwards.
I always knew this was a messed up way to live but I didn’t confront him because in the end, he paid the bills. However, recently he has become so vocal and vengeful with regards to money that I have been forced to step up my scrutiny and call a spade a spade.
As I have become more able to express the dysfunction clearly, with words, and in person to a trusted person, I can allow my brain to clear itself of the fog. I can reconnect the fuse between intellect and speech and I can once more allow myself to regain control of my free will.