I found this note that I wrote two months ago. So much has happened since then! First I will share the note and then I will write about what changed.
Note to Self:
the truth of the matter is that I am sick and tired with the length of time it takes me to wake up and say- I am done with this mess. I am in between and not at peace.
in my heart of hearts, I know it’s stupid not to either take charge or to take charge. either way I cannot be a victim. I must decide that what I want is what I will get and not vice versa.
waking up to reality and realizing that as long as I take it, this bad behavior, I am in essence perpetuating it – is a sobering thought.
addicts like to blame their troubles on the other and continue feeding their addiction. what am I addicted to? I perpetuate injustice and misery. is this my lot in life where I believe that without it, I will cease to be? is my identity wrapped up somehow in the absolute must- have of resentment, anger and loneliness?
I have no other identity. I keep myself separated from the human race so that I can keep the status quo and my life has become unmanageable.
I am sick of being sick.
Wow! I love that note to self! It reminds me that I made a decision to STOP THIS INSANITY!! I guess it was somewhat of a STEP 1 disclosure (of the 12 step). I realized that even though I did not consciously CHOOSE to live with craziness every moment of my life, I can definitely CHOOSE to not take it anymore.
This shift of consciousness sparked a moment of truth, where I had to make a decision about what I will keep up and what I will drop. I chose to drop resentments and hatred. I chose to drop blame and negativity. I chose to let my husband live on his own terms and I chose to not take abuse anymore. Deciding not to take abuse was not a contradiction to letting go of blame. I realize that it is possible to be very specific with my needs and my opinions (well, I’m working on it ! and I came a very long way!) and at the same time drop judgement. I don’t need the drama. I am done with that.
So the part of me in the note above that said I’m sick of being sick and spoke about perpetuating bad behavior.. in essence decided to look inwards and see my own bad behavior and look at how I myself may have been contributing to the drama.
I did not/could not do this on my own. I needed help to be daring enough to look myself in the mirror. I chose a path towards self-love. I am on a journey of connection.I believe that it is my responsibility to find my own happiness.