Admitting Powerlessness

I never wanted to admit the truth. Over the years, each time my husband said “You should’ve  married someone else.” I would always feel very hurt and reply: NO!! YOU don’t understand! I DO belong with you. And I DO not mean to hurt you. I will try harder to help you succeed and I won’t bother you again! I AM who you want me to REALLY be. and I DON’T MEAN that, whatever you think I mean. I AM EVERYTHING YOU WANT ME TO BE.

NOT.

I did not have the courage to state the truth. Truth being: I AM DIFFERENT THAN YOU. LOVELY IN MY OWN WAY. TAKE ME OR LEAVE ME.

Imagine if I would have said that. Which of my 3 beautiful children would not have been born? At which point in the past 20 years, would I have had the courage to say that – and be DONE WITH HIM?

After my oldest girl? My oldest boy? Or my miracle youngest boy?

What was past, is past. It cannot be changed and it was meant to be.

I believe that – for real.

I also believe for real that when I am ready to see the truth and take myself seriously, I can admit that we are sooo different and incompatible. It is NO WONDER that we have to work so hard to make it through a day together.

So what was I thinking? That goes back to the past. So I can’t go there. 

It’s a question of now. Now what?

That remains to be seen. How I will assimilate this truth is what will determine my marriage’s future. I know that Step 1 of the Twelve Steps is to admit powerlessness. I am powerless over making myself into something that I am not. I am powerless over convincing my husband that our marriage has hope. I am powerless over the state of our marriage relationship. My marriage has become unmanageable. I am not able to carry the burden of creating something from nothing.

Instead of twisting myself into various unnatural shapes to fit my husband’s version of a “good wife”, I will loosen up and shake out my limbs and be me, for a change. Learning who I am is part of this process. I started taking the time to be with myself and discover who I am, and I enjoy it immensely. I know that deep down my husband would like me to be independently happy and confident. It will take some pressure off of him. Therefore, until I become a more alive and purposeful human-being, I will not make any major life decisions.

And I will take my life One Day At a Time.

 

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