Waking Up Again

I found an email that I sent to my therapist back in March. I had forgotten about this realization. It’s almost like it didn’t happen. I’ve been in denial-land again. I really do want to live in forever-land, though. It’s good to read old inspirations and remind myself of possibilities. I also need to remind myself that besides for accepting the situation, I  need to seek help, maintain my dignity and get out of harm’s way.

This morning, while driving to work, (and after getting mad about how my husband was acting and calling him a bastard – to myself) I was thinking about…. what we talked about and my past life vision and anger “at the whole world” and then me telling my old self that the other people really couldn’t help themselves/me and they had their reasons for not coming to help me.
And then I realized it very clearly – as in crystal clear – that
with my husband.
he has his issues

he’s wrong in my eyes

he hurts me, leaves me in the open field wounded and bloody
and my job is not to judge him

or to be busy with his story

but

rather
to think to myself that

He

has his reasons

and he has issues

and he has no control over the way he acts now

he leaves me like that because he is afraid for his own life
and i have to cut myself off from his stuff

and his reality

and his

story

and just focus on me

and what is true for me.
what is true for me is that

God wants me in this situation for some reason

to feel un-cared for

to feel hated

to feel that nobody gives a hoot

and then to realize

that God wants me to be in this situation

and the person who is “the stick” and the one who is leaving me and abandoning me

and who treats me with disdain

has HIS issues

and it’s not about ME

and it’s only the Will of God
and I cannot control others

or hold it against them

because they have their own problems

…..
this is very hard for me to internalize.

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