I found an email that I sent to my therapist back in March. I had forgotten about this realization. It’s almost like it didn’t happen. I’ve been in denial-land again. I really do want to live in forever-land, though. It’s good to read old inspirations and remind myself of possibilities. I also need to remind myself that besides for accepting the situation, I need to seek help, maintain my dignity and get out of harm’s way.
This morning, while driving to work, (and after getting mad about how my husband was acting and calling him a bastard – to myself) I was thinking about…. what we talked about and my past life vision and anger “at the whole world” and then me telling my old self that the other people really couldn’t help themselves/me and they had their reasons for not coming to help me.
And then I realized it very clearly – as in crystal clear – that
with my husband.
he has his issues
he’s wrong in my eyes
he hurts me, leaves me in the open field wounded and bloody
and my job is not to judge him
or to be busy with his story
to think to myself that
has his reasons
and he has issues
and he has no control over the way he acts now
he leaves me like that because he is afraid for his own life
and i have to cut myself off from his stuff
and his reality
and just focus on me
and what is true for me.
what is true for me is that
God wants me in this situation for some reason
to feel un-cared for
to feel hated
to feel that nobody gives a hoot
and then to realize
that God wants me to be in this situation
and the person who is “the stick” and the one who is leaving me and abandoning me
and who treats me with disdain
has HIS issues
and it’s not about ME
and it’s only the Will of God
and I cannot control others
or hold it against them
because they have their own problems
this is very hard for me to internalize.