I’ve been in turmoil lately. I find that as much as I want to be happily married, when I am honest with myself in a quiet moment I must admit that I don’t feel love towards my husband. Now, of course one can say that it’s no wonder – He’s done a fine job making himself unlovable!
However, I hate being a two-faced person. Here I am trying to find ways to unlock his heart so that he can accept and give love, but my own heart is not open either! That’s another realization to add to the list on this interesting soul journey.
I asked my inner wisdom for advice on how to unlock my own heart. The response I got was that I should pray. I was told that once a day I should ask God, my Higher Power (HP) to help me uncover the love I have for my husband. This implies that the love is there, deeply hidden in my heart. All I am asking for is HP’s aid in finding it.
I did that today. I prayed for the uncovering of the love. This prayer brings to my consciousness a truth that I have not allowed myself to face – I want to love my husband. I want to feel what it feels like to love him again.
I realized that it is selfish for me to remain married and stick around while continuously keeping my heart shut tight. Granted, I had to keep it shut in order to protect myself until now. But now I am different: I am learning better boundaries, I have more language with which to express myself and I am aware of my husband’s handicaps. I can’t expect him to open his heart to a woman whose heart is shut tight.
I am learning a balance in this heart game. I don’t want to be hurt and I don’t want to be dead. The more I accept reality and take into account all the factors of the present, the easier it will be for me to learn the balance.