Here’s a poem I wrote about a year ago.
forever I feel afraid and alone
and the origin is the home
forever I feel alone and stuck
and the origin is the muck
together we feel alone and together
together we feel the pain of never
forever we feel there won’t be an end
and together we can hold each other’s hands
now and forever
it’s a pain
and it may
When I wrote this, I had no idea what I meant. Now, almost a year later, I see that the origin is home – means I am a product of my home, my family of origin. So is my husband. The origin of feeling alone and stuck is muck – meaning, the dirt, rubbish and waste-matter of a being raised in dysfunctional and abusive family system. I came out of my childhood home feeling defective and small, ashamed and afraid, and in some ways dirty.
We feel alone and together may be alluding to the idea that we are both victims and that our bond to each other is the togetherness we share in growing up with dysfunction and chaos.
My hope is that it may get better. What? Our pain.
I am looking to relieve myself of dysfunctional patterns that no longer serve me. I don’t need to hold on to the old anymore. I am an adult now. I can protect myself and I can nurture myself.
How awesome is that?