“Do you value me as a person?”
“Well, not if you will keep spending my money and working me as a slave to keep up with your lifestyle.”
“This is not about money. Don’t think about anything else. Just answer this question – do you value me as a person?”
“I don’t know what you’re driving at.”
“I’m asking you a question and I want you to answer me. Do you value me as a person – who I am and what I’m about.”
“Let’s say I say yes – what would you say.”
He couldn’t say YES!!! OMG – why am I surprised?
We were in middle of a heated conversation about the least favorite, most charged topic – money. It was the first time in a long time that he brought it up. Of course, the intention was to blame and to fault me with overspending. This time, I kept my cool. I did not let his stuff get into my space. Even though we were face to face, and he was very intimidating, I had the presence of mind to validate him and his story and at the same time explain to him that I have a story, too.
I said “You have paid the bills faithfully month after month on time and that is tremendous. You are devoted and responsible and I appreciate that.”
I asked him UNTIL WHEN he will hold on to the resentments? I asked him if he plans on remaining unhappy indefinitely. He claims if he sees change in me, he will stop being angry. I explained to him that it is his interpretation of the things I do which cause his anger. I explained to him some of the recent purchases and told him that if we can talk together without his constant stories and “you will never” speak, we may be able to really figure things out. If not, I said, we can use a financial planner to help us.
He did not like anything I said, of course. He even made sure to stick this in –
“Do you know how many people told me years ago that I am crazy for not divorcing you.”
Yup. I gotta be crazy for staying. I know. Maybe I am.
And then I think of tikun/rectification. I ask Higher Power when I will complete this lesson? When will my husband stop tearing me apart about money? Can it be this year?
Just yesterday my counselor had me internalize these words: Losing Believing Things Will Never Change.