My therapist helped me realize something about my husband that makes me feel a) resentful b) hopeful.
It is apparent that my husband suffers from anxiety and finds life to be quite overwhelming. He also finds me to be overwhelming. I don’t fit into any predictable set of rules that he can count on. Besides for being a living female, what else does he know about me? His prime wish is to make people happy. He is a people pleaser, that’s fosure. The question is – how can he make Sarah happy? Can he even attempt to make her happy?
In his eyes Sarah is too much: too complicated, too loud, too full of herself and too strong. My therapist explained that I need to break down what I need from him into really small pieces. Saying “I want a relationship” or “I want to be on the same team” is not specific and is very confusing for him.
If my BP husband is so literal and has trouble reading between the lines, I can make things easier for him by providing small and doable instructions for what I need in the marriage.
That is huge for me because it brings up both resentment and hope. Resentment – that I have to go spell out what I consider the basics of being a mentch and decent spouse. That I have to break down “love” into a list. Hope – That perhaps with really small and steady requests, my man can feel confident in his abilities to please me, thereby filling him with security in the relationship.
I think this is a major step towards a solution – IF I actually do it.