I REALLY REALLY want to complain right now. His BPD keeps on shocking me. Like, why? I KNOW that he is not well. The trick is that he SEEMS SOOOO NORMAL. It was so much easier when he was just sick in bed for two years straight with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. At least I knew he was sick. Then he picked this “get-out-of-bed-free” card that got him on his feet for the next twenty years, non-stop. He left me behind in our old house somewhere between the bok choy and the miso soup. Or was it the tempeh and the ginger tea?
I was his cook, companion and darling. I was his whole world. Sometimes he would play with our baby and give her so much attention that I wished I were her. But most of the time, it was just us two. His life depended on me, literally (so it seemed), and I made the most of it.
But once he was back on his feet, he walked out of my life and it has been that way since then.
THE BALANCED REPORTING BEGINS HERE:
- My DEAR BORDERLINE PERSONALITY HUSBAND woke me up this Saturday as I had overslept. He came near the bed and called my name. This is the first time in 20 years that his voice came through my consciousness sounding sweet. I usually cringe when he talks to me in the morning. I try to avoid him at all costs. If I am up while he is dressing to leave the house in the morning, I pretend I’m asleep. His voice really irks me. Especially when all he does is complain, brag or blame. Yeah. really. Like the sound of fingernails on a chalkboard… And here, it was really sweet. That’s the only word that I can think of. I don’t know why it was that way, but so it was.
- We had a meeting with my son’s principal. Before the meeting my husband told me to “just sit there” while he talks to the principal. I said “Thank you very much!” in a joking way and just laughed it off. (A year ago, I would have been fuming.) Then we had a nice meeting; it was just a getting to know you meeting as it is my son’s first year in this school. I spoke naturally and comfortably, without being wary of the BPdh. Miracle! There were absolutely no repercussions. I did not hear from my husband about all the problems I caused with my words. It was over. Of course, I can’t predict when he will use my words against me. It can be in a year from now and he’ll repeat verbatim everything I said in that meeting. BUT FOR NOW – I have not heard from him. In the past, as soon as the door to the building would be half-closed behind us, he would launch into his “stupid-wife / stupid-mother” speech.
Thank God for small mercies.