Twisted Pleasures 

My therapy session was about sex. I wasn’t planning on getting to that in detail but my inner guide pointed in that direction and told me that it must be dealt with. After many unhealthy sex stories were brought out into the open from both this life and a number of past lives, my therapist brought me to my current marriage. The exchange  I quoted below opened my eyes to the realization that I associate pain and abuse with a love connection and have an adverse reaction to true love connection, thinking it is pain. He said to me:

“You mentioned at the beginning of the session that every time your husband screams at you, you feel shocked all over again. You said that it’s as if  you weren’t expecting it. Why is that? What makes you so vulnerable if you know your husband  already after all these years?”

“I don’t know. I should know better.”

“So ask yourself. What makes me so vulnerable? Why do I let him just go on and on and hurt me so?”

“I’m getting – that I have a high level of absorption.”

“Still, just because you can absorb it, that doesn’t mean you should take it. Ask yourself – why do I allow myself to be so vulnerable?”

Why am I allowing myself to be so vulnerable? Because it gives you something. “I’m getting  – because it gives me something.”

“Ask – what is it that you are getting from it?”

“I don’t know what it’s saying but I feel that it’s related to sex. I’m getting something sexual but I don’t know what and it doesn’t make sense.”

“Aha. Good. Ask yourself what does it mean that you are getting something sexual out of his screaming.”

What am I getting out of the screaming? You are getting him inside of you. “Oh, I know. It’s that when he screams at me, it’s as if he has no borders and I have no borders and he is all over me and inside of me.”

“That sounds like penetration to me!”

“Oh gosh! What is wrong with me?! So I am getting some kind of sexual pleasure from him screaming at me?”

“That is what it sounds like. And that is why you allow yourself to be vulnerable. But you can turn it around. As soon as you put up a wall and do not allow him to come inside this way, he will stop it. When your energy changes, he will sense that.”

 

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