I apologized to my husband.
He seemed so hurt. He was in his “I’m not talking to you” mood. I knew he got insulted because I didn’t take his rushing me well. I needed a couple of more minutes to be ready because something came up. I was dismayed with his impatience and asked him to stop rushing me. Woo hoo! He did not like being talked back to. He may have preferred me to respond with “I’m so sorry! I’ll drop everything this second.”
So I didn’t do that and he was being a grouch. Slitty eyes. Slumped shoulders. Ignoring me.
I went over to him later that night and said “Are you OK? It seems that you are very upset.”
I ended up apologizing to him. I said that I didn’t want him to feel bad because of what I said. I didn’t mention anything about how his behavior hurt me. I knew it would start the spiral of blame and bringing up past hurts. It would spoil the moment. I didn’t apologize out of fear. I did not feel that he was right in rushing me. I just wanted to express that I did not mean to put him down or hurt him and just wanted to clarify that.
I don’t know. I never know with him. Do apologies help people with BPD? Do they calm them down? Do apologies prop them up and give them power that they don’t need or don’t deserve? Are they unfortunates who need TLC and reassurance, over and over again?
I don’t know if I did the right thing. How often will I continue this? Every time he goes to Oz?
And life goes on.