Today I was given two gifts.
1- The gift of understanding something I felt fear about. 2- The gift of a beautiful song.
I was driving alone in the car and I had about an hour to myself. Recently, while driving, I haven’t been interested in hearing podcasts or music as much as I have been interested in getting into conversation with my inner voice. When I engage with my inner voice new worlds open up for me. There is so much to learn.
Today I had a long conversation with my inner voice and I learned something phenomenal about my relationship with my husband.
I was told that I don’t have to worry about the whole intimacy factor. You see, I have been keeping to myself for almost a year now – physically, that is. I have a terrible fear of getting physical with my husband again and I have been working on it with the therapist – as there have been sexual traumas that I have been through in multiple past lives that are definitely affecting me today. Plus my husband and I have been together in past lives and we were NOT friends then. This, too, affects me today. There is fear on both sides.
I know that I’m not up to making the first move and there is an inner pressure building up that sooner or later I will have to face this issue. All this time, my husband has NOT EVEN ONCE MENTIONED the fact that we are not intimate. He hasn’t pressured me or even hinted about it. But deep down, I know that if I try to work out a better relationship with him, the next thing that comes is sex.
My inner guide told me NOT TO WORRY. I was told that my husband knows the truth deep down – that he may have to change according to who I truly am. He knows that along with improving our relationship will come my side of the story and he will have to face MY NEEDS and MY WANTS and he will have to learn about me a little bit more intimately. That is something he is not ready to face. He won’t be ready for that for another long while, I was told. He is still busy keeping himself occupied with many people who call him for help and counseling. He uses his energies and emotions on that. Dealing with Sarah – his human wife – who is undergoing the process of differentiation, is currently too overwhelming and he feels safer with me now, the way it is.
My inner guide told me that just as my husband ACCEPTED his children (or is working on accepting them) for WHO THEY ARE even though it is very hard for him, he will one day come to accept ME for who I am. And the same way he adjusted his expectations and his attitudes and behaviors towards our children (it took a lot of time for that.. but he did it) , he will also come to realize that he needs to view me as a person separate from him – with my own nature, personality, feelings and preferences.
This conversation with my inner guide may have been my first positive visualization towards a better relationship with my husband. It is showing me that in HIS TIME, with HIS SKILLS and HIS CHOICE – he will come forward to greet me. He will come forward to learn about me and he will come forward to accept me.
The second gift was this album by Cori Cole. It blew me away.