I shared the following over the email recently with a friend. Positive changes… Yeah!
December 2 2016
I want to give you a good report as opposed to my usual complaining. Over the past week there is a noticeable difference within me in relation to my husband and vice versa. I am much less scared of him and it seems he of me. We have done light shopping together last Thursday night and tonight and it was enjoyable and not in the least bit stressful. My husband usually doesn’t have-or give me- any time.
This is a brand new phenomenon.
December 12 2016
My life is changing quickly now. On a swiftly tilting planet. I just want to share with you what’s happening – there is something surreal about it. But it’s working for me and I am beginning to accept this new way of life.
I have been doing a lot of letting go recently. I have been giving up my intellect and personal feelings for a conscience that lives inside. The change is drastic. I am not sure who I am anymore. It is wonderful and very overwhelming at the same time. Many times I want to respond to someone or some situation in a way that either my heart or mind dictates and when I check in with my conscience- I am directed in the completely opposite direction. When I say conscience I mean that still small voice inside which I always thought was a figure of speech.
I don’t know what is ahead. I want to be fully functional and I have a way to go. I think the worst is over.
Next week is the fundraiser of my husband’s organization – This organization that I have resented for years. This organization that turned my husband into a saint and do-gooder. This organization that was the addiction my husband used (workaholic/goodism) for many years to avoid his other problems. I always went to the events begrudgingly -an unhappy party to this idiocy that wears the cloak of community service.
Now, for some reason, thinking about the upcoming event does not evoke the same assortment of negative emotions and resentments. I just realized that this may be the first event in years that I am not rejecting. This is not something I worked on in sessions – it just is. I wonder if it is connected to my overall acceptance of my husband for who he is and my attempts not to stand in judgment.