Half a Husband?

I had a conversation with a woman I was interviewing to see if, as a therapist, she’d be a good match for my daughter. We discussed my husband’s BPD and I mentioned that my daughter has half a father, for all practical purposes. She then asked me if that means that I have half a husband.

This question caught me off guard. If someone would have asked me this a year ago, I would have said that I have no husband. But suddenly, I couldn’t decide how to respond. I just chuckled. When I thought about it later, I decided that I had 3/4 of a husband. I don’t have him emotionally or romantically but physically and financially he is there. Hmmm. So maybe that is half a husband. One can argue that the physical and financial part of him being there adds to the emotional stability. Arghhh.

One can also argue that not having a spouse being there for you emotionally or romantically is so demeaning and painful that it negates the other areas where he does have presence.

I believe that it all depends on the lenses with which I choose to view my world. If I am to stay married, and keep up whatever work I want to do here – it does me no good to focus on the negative and harp on what is missing. I know my husband is not doing anything with ill intentions. He is handicapped.

I am working on being less satisfied and OK with him not being available for me emotionally or romantically. I have been talking about it in therapy. Expressing my feelings and opinions there is very difficult but it sure is a cinch compared to expressing my true feelings to my husband who is a borderline personality.

I often think to myself that it is obvious that the purpose of this marriage and our time together is not for romance. It is for growth and lessons learned. I hate that sometimes. I am changing for the better because of him and I believe that he is changing for the better because of me .. although I can’t say for sure.

Time has this way of passing very slowly for me. I wish I was above and beyond time and space so I can get a measure of comfort. Sometimes I am given little hints of love that prove to me that I am not living this life alone. There is some-One out there who is looking after me.

 

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