Note to Self ~ Morning Pages

Dear Sarah,

Good Morning! I am so happy to have this opportunity to communicate with you. Today I wanted to talk about the morning pages. I know that you feel that it’s not going to figure into your recovery the way that therapy does or a 12 Step Program does. You may not ever use these morning pages to write a book or to get your artist out. However, you will use them to become the best you possible. To spill the brain onto the page and to let it go is so important! I know that you are just at the beginning of your journey into a great big unknown where you will need as much courage as you can get. If you take 15 minutes to get your morning pages done, I am sure that you will see a big difference in your day. Your happiness level will change. These pages are yours alone and are the product of your mind and soul. Nothing will be produced in its equivalence.

Do it! I support you!

Love,

Your greatest fan ~ Inner Nurturer

Admitting Powerfulness

In 12 step programs we admit to powerlessness but sometimes it is necessary to admit to being powerful. What do I mean?

I am a powerful human being. My actions and words have effects on others and the world. What I do is indeed important. Whether or not I believe that I am important is not important because at the end of the day, if I hurt or help someone – I get the credit or the blame. I must take responsibility.

Tonight I felt the impact of my powerfulness as I was once again reminded that I am real. I have a tendency to go “invisible” in social situations. I lose sight of myself – I feel that I don’t count, that no one will notice whether or not I attended a party, made the call or the visit. I very easily sign out of life thinking that it won’t make much of a difference.

Well, well – I was in for a surprise! I was the recipient of a cold shoulder and frozen eyes from the hostess of a wedding I attended. I did not think she would care either way whether or not I attended the entire party or whether or not I called her to congratulate her on the engagement. I had been wrapped up in my sorrows these past few months and did not want to come out of my bubble. I just wanted to come to part of the wedding and share her joy and dance with her. But she was not satisfied with that. Obviously, something about my behavior had bothered her and she made it known to me.

I actually didn’t know that I was in her picture. I had always felt invisible in her story but I guess that I am not. My feeling invisible does not make me invisible. It does not exonerate me from keeping up social duties and attending functions.

This is the second time I was hit with the impact of my powerfulness. It is good to get a reminder once in a while that I must be careful with my behavior. My therapist has been trying to tell me for a while now that I am more powerful than I think. I have to embrace my power, not be afraid of it and allow myself to shine in a way that increases joy and connection.


God, please open for me the door

show me what’s in store

heal for me my soul

pull me back into the whole

shine for me the light

so that I can learn

that it is not night

where my longing lies

it is in the brightness of the sun

the forgiving and giving

in the platitude of simplicity

that I am utterly

and solely

alive.

Waking Up Again

I found an email that I sent to my therapist back in March. I had forgotten about this realization. It’s almost like it didn’t happen. I’ve been in denial-land again. I really do want to live in forever-land, though. It’s good to read old inspirations and remind myself of possibilities. I also need to remind myself that besides for accepting the situation, I  need to seek help, maintain my dignity and get out of harm’s way.

This morning, while driving to work, (and after getting mad about how my husband was acting and calling him a bastard – to myself) I was thinking about…. what we talked about and my past life vision and anger “at the whole world” and then me telling my old self that the other people really couldn’t help themselves/me and they had their reasons for not coming to help me.
And then I realized it very clearly – as in crystal clear – that
with my husband.
he has his issues

he’s wrong in my eyes

he hurts me, leaves me in the open field wounded and bloody
and my job is not to judge him

or to be busy with his story

but

rather
to think to myself that

He

has his reasons

and he has issues

and he has no control over the way he acts now

he leaves me like that because he is afraid for his own life
and i have to cut myself off from his stuff

and his reality

and his

story

and just focus on me

and what is true for me.
what is true for me is that

God wants me in this situation for some reason

to feel un-cared for

to feel hated

to feel that nobody gives a hoot

and then to realize

that God wants me to be in this situation

and the person who is “the stick” and the one who is leaving me and abandoning me

and who treats me with disdain

has HIS issues

and it’s not about ME

and it’s only the Will of God
and I cannot control others

or hold it against them

because they have their own problems

…..
this is very hard for me to internalize.

Admitting Powerlessness

I never wanted to admit the truth. Over the years, each time my husband said “You should’ve  married someone else.” I would always feel very hurt and reply: NO!! YOU don’t understand! I DO belong with you. And I DO not mean to hurt you. I will try harder to help you succeed and I won’t bother you again! I AM who you want me to REALLY be. and I DON’T MEAN that, whatever you think I mean. I AM EVERYTHING YOU WANT ME TO BE.

NOT.

I did not have the courage to state the truth. Truth being: I AM DIFFERENT THAN YOU. LOVELY IN MY OWN WAY. TAKE ME OR LEAVE ME.

Imagine if I would have said that. Which of my 3 beautiful children would not have been born? At which point in the past 20 years, would I have had the courage to say that – and be DONE WITH HIM?

After my oldest girl? My oldest boy? Or my miracle youngest boy?

What was past, is past. It cannot be changed and it was meant to be.

I believe that – for real.

I also believe for real that when I am ready to see the truth and take myself seriously, I can admit that we are sooo different and incompatible. It is NO WONDER that we have to work so hard to make it through a day together.

So what was I thinking? That goes back to the past. So I can’t go there. 

It’s a question of now. Now what?

That remains to be seen. How I will assimilate this truth is what will determine my marriage’s future. I know that Step 1 of the Twelve Steps is to admit powerlessness. I am powerless over making myself into something that I am not. I am powerless over convincing my husband that our marriage has hope. I am powerless over the state of our marriage relationship. My marriage has become unmanageable. I am not able to carry the burden of creating something from nothing.

Instead of twisting myself into various unnatural shapes to fit my husband’s version of a “good wife”, I will loosen up and shake out my limbs and be me, for a change. Learning who I am is part of this process. I started taking the time to be with myself and discover who I am, and I enjoy it immensely. I know that deep down my husband would like me to be independently happy and confident. It will take some pressure off of him. Therefore, until I become a more alive and purposeful human-being, I will not make any major life decisions.

And I will take my life One Day At a Time.

 

Note to Self ~ June 22 2016

I found this note that I wrote two months ago. So much has happened since then! First I will share the note and then I will write about what changed.

Note to Self:

the truth of the matter is that I am sick and tired with the length of time it takes me to wake up and say- I am done with this mess. I am in between and not at peace.

in my heart of hearts, I know it’s stupid not to either take charge or to take charge. either way I cannot be a victim. I must decide that what I want is what I will get and not vice versa.

waking up to reality and realizing that as long as I take it, this bad behavior, I am in essence perpetuating it – is a sobering thought.

addicts like to blame their troubles on the other and continue feeding their addiction. what am I addicted to? I perpetuate injustice and misery.  is this my lot in life where I believe that without it, I will cease to be? is my identity wrapped up somehow in the absolute must- have of resentment, anger and loneliness?

I have no other identity.  I keep myself separated from the human race so that I can keep the status quo and my life has become unmanageable.

I am sick of being sick.

Wow! I love that note to self! It reminds me that I made a decision to STOP THIS INSANITY!! I guess it was somewhat of a STEP 1 disclosure (of the 12 step). I realized that even though I did not consciously CHOOSE to live with craziness every moment of my life, I can definitely CHOOSE to not take it anymore.

This shift of consciousness sparked a moment of truth, where I had to make a decision about what I will keep up and what I will drop. I chose to drop resentments and hatred. I chose to drop blame and negativity. I chose to let my husband live on his own terms and I chose to not take abuse anymore. Deciding not to take abuse was not a contradiction to letting go of blame. I realize that it is possible to be very specific with my needs and my opinions (well, I’m working on it ! and I came a very long way!) and at the same time drop judgement. I don’t need the drama. I am done with that.

So the part of me in the note above that said I’m sick of being sick and spoke about perpetuating bad behavior.. in essence decided to look inwards and see my own bad behavior and look at how I myself may have been contributing to the drama.

I did not/could not do this on my own. I needed help to be daring enough to look myself in the mirror. I chose a path towards self-love. I am on a journey of connection.I believe that it is my responsibility to find my own happiness.