My counselor told me the other day that the main thing I have to work on now is to use visualization to imagine a better life with my husband. I really have to decide -If I want a future with him, I need to visualize a future with him. Otherwise, I need to start visualizing a future without him.
For me, keeping my family intact is a very high value. I believe that divorce will terribly impact the children. I know that in a marriage of 20 years, what is one or two more years of transition time as we both learn who we are, what we need and how we differ? Differentiation is an important and integral part of marriage. The tangles of codependency need to unravel. I need to learn that I am a great human being by virtue of being a human being. And my Borderline Personality husband needs to learn that he can manage full well without using me as his personal secretary, bookkeeper, accountant, and mistress. From a safe place, we can recover our true personalities and feelings and reconnect in a more mature and positive way.
I can write some blog posts called Note to Future Self. There are many parts of my life that I can visualize into a better future. It will be a challenge. It might be fun. I will try.
I apologized to my husband.
He seemed so hurt. He was in his “I’m not talking to you” mood. I knew he got insulted because I didn’t take his rushing me well. I needed a couple of more minutes to be ready because something came up. I was dismayed with his impatience and asked him to stop rushing me. Woo hoo! He did not like being talked back to. He may have preferred me to respond with “I’m so sorry! I’ll drop everything this second.”
So I didn’t do that and he was being a grouch. Slitty eyes. Slumped shoulders. Ignoring me.
I went over to him later that night and said “Are you OK? It seems that you are very upset.”
I ended up apologizing to him. I said that I didn’t want him to feel bad because of what I said. I didn’t mention anything about how his behavior hurt me. I knew it would start the spiral of blame and bringing up past hurts. It would spoil the moment. I didn’t apologize out of fear. I did not feel that he was right in rushing me. I just wanted to express that I did not mean to put him down or hurt him and just wanted to clarify that.
I don’t know. I never know with him. Do apologies help people with BPD? Do they calm them down? Do apologies prop them up and give them power that they don’t need or don’t deserve? Are they unfortunates who need TLC and reassurance, over and over again?
I don’t know if I did the right thing. How often will I continue this? Every time he goes to Oz?
And life goes on.