Marriage, BPD and Me

My man is in Oz again. He hasn’t been decent for a couple of weeks now. I don’t know how to handle it. I am sad. I think the trigger is money now but before it was his bi-polar brother. He is again at it with accusing me of control – and it’s only a matter of time before he will throw the money bomb at me.

My son called him out on a flaw of his on Friday night. That set off a steam (and a stream) of insults and blaming. What my husband did was wrong and he does it all the time – space out in middle of me talking, interrupt me before I get the words out, walk off on me in middle of me talking and this time it was that he responded to me after I called his name but instead of waiting to hear what I had to say, he just started talking about an unrelated topic – as if I did not say a word and was not about to talk.

He does that. I know it’s part of his BPD. I choose to put my foot down about other flaws of his. But my son was disturbed about the way my husband disregarded me and he spoke up. All he said was “You realize Ma just called your name and you said Yes and then you went on to talk about something else.”

Last night in bed he started his rant about how he will look for a new life, and a way to get free from me and his wife and family will respect him. Instead of just being quiet or asking him not to speak that way, I told him that if he starts again he will have the same problems with someone else. He is not going for help or facing his problems and emotions. “I have been in therapy for almost three years, I said. What about you?!”

He didn’t reply.

I had another victory with this conversation as compared to previous ones where he used to bash me. I didn’t take it. I said to him that his language is despicable. I have a lot to say but I don’t think it’s nice. We can talk, we can discuss things but pointing fingers is not the way to do it. I told him I believe we have potential for our relationship and if he would like we can discuss it with a professional.

He fell asleep promptly after that. This morning, he’s talking about $100 cash he has for me. He’s a bitter, sad person. Something is up with him. I think I will fill up pill boxes with Vitamin B and C and Calcium… stuff to calm his nervous system.

 

Silent Treatment 

He hasn’t said more than two words to me since Tuesday night. Hubby, that is. And it’s Thursday night.

He is deep in his sickness- BPD.

He hasn’t given me the silent treatment for a long time and I truly was surprised to face this once again. I know he truly never healed, just his harsh symptoms subsided. Still. I thought this was behind us. I didn’t expect his bitterness and disrespect to ruin the holiday. 

It’s holiday time and my husband’s bi-polar brother came for a few days. BIG trigger. Still. I expected better. 

Well, well. My therapist explained to me that feeling that my husband is dead wrong for how he behaves is similar to thinking a person with fever is wrong for having high temperature. Sick is sick and so he is.  

A bit of perspective always helps.

My New Boss Has BPD

Do I have BPD on my brain? 

I already do the eggshell dance with my new boss. I try to pretend he doesn’t have BPD, but I also try to avoid him. I do not quake in fear (right. who am I fooling?) and I do not hesitate to say my truth when it needs to be heard.  

I know the following about him:
a- he is ultra sensitive 

b- he hates imperfection 

c- he preaches many things he has trouble actually practicing 

d- his employees take his word as a command (or else!)

e- he is exceptionally smart and generous 

f- he always is checking to see how others receive him

g- he is very quick to anger 

h- he thinks he is humble while everyone who knows him thinks that he is full of himself 

I can go on and on. 

The way I handle it is by not engaging in drama. I try hard not to want and need his approval. I endeavor to give of myself to the company and offer a pleasant encounter with whoever I interact. I know my value and I appreciate the paycheck. 

So help me. 

It Wasn’t My Idea of Marriage 

So like who even cares. Why do I hafta walk through this aisle of pain, shame, grief and heartache. Who asked for this? My life would’ve been fine without him and his insecurities. I refuse to be the one to do all the work. Let him show up for a change. 

My Inner Complainer

The walls have expanded to fit me and my husband’s stories together. We are bound by our souls and we have some corrections to make together. I, in my attitude and behavior towards him. And he, in his attitude and behavior towards me. We need to be married to accomplish this. I need to feel isolated and ashamed to share my true feelings with him. I need to learn that it is unfair to BOTH of us if I remain silent and keep to myself. 

I need to find language to reach him with. I need to feel like I know fosure that there is someone better out there for me who life would be so much easier to live with. AND I need to decide that I am staying (which I did over here) and I am not leaving my husband for another man. I need to accept that imaginary lovers are not lovers. I need to take responsibility for my marriage’s future. Now. 

I don’t want to admit that it’s NOT OK to live together but not live together. I don’t want to admit that I have a strong desire. I don’t want to admit that I have girl power. 

I want to stay adamant in my defiance and prediction that this marriage has no real hope for real reconciliation. I want to stay curled up in bed waiting for magic and mystery to cast a spell and disengage me so that I don’t have to do the work. 

It’s silly to think like this, though. I have no choice. Karma is strong.  

Snippets from December

I shared the following over the email recently with a friend. Positive changes… Yeah!

December 2 2016

I want to give you a good report as opposed to my usual complaining. Over the past week there is a noticeable difference within me in relation to my husband and vice versa. I am much less scared of him and it seems he of me. We have done light shopping together last Thursday night and tonight and it was enjoyable and not in the least bit stressful. My husband usually doesn’t have-or give me- any time.

This is a brand new phenomenon.

December 12 2016

My life is changing quickly now. On a swiftly tilting planet. I just want to share with you what’s happening – there is something surreal about it. But it’s working for me and I am beginning to accept this new way of life.
I have been doing a lot of letting go recently.  I have been giving up my intellect and personal feelings for a conscience that lives inside. The change is drastic. I am not sure who I am anymore. It is wonderful and very overwhelming at the same time. Many times I want to respond to someone or some situation in a way that either my heart or mind dictates and when I check in with my conscience- I am directed in the completely opposite direction. When I say conscience I mean that still small voice inside which I always thought was a figure of speech.
I don’t know what is ahead. I want to be fully functional and I have a way to go. I think the worst is over.
Next week is the fundraiser of my husband’s organization –  This organization that I have resented for years. This organization that turned my husband into a saint and do-gooder. This organization that was the addiction my husband used (workaholic/goodism) for many years to avoid his other problems. I always went to the events begrudgingly -an unhappy party to this idiocy that wears the cloak of community service. 
Now, for some reason, thinking about the upcoming event does not evoke the same assortment of negative emotions and resentments.  I just realized that this may be the first event in years that I am not rejecting. This is not something I worked on in sessions – it just is. I wonder if it is connected to my overall acceptance of my husband for who he is and my attempts not to stand in judgment.

The Gift of Knowledge

Today I was given two gifts.

1- The gift of understanding something I felt fear about. 2- The gift of a beautiful song.

I was driving alone in the car and I had about an hour to myself. Recently, while driving, I haven’t been interested in hearing podcasts or music as much as I have been interested in getting into conversation with my inner voice. When I engage with my inner voice new worlds open up for me. There is so much to learn.

Today I had a long conversation with my inner voice and I learned something phenomenal about my relationship with my husband.

I was told that I don’t have to worry about the whole intimacy factor. You see, I have been keeping to myself for almost a year now – physically, that is. I have a terrible fear of getting physical with my husband again and I have been working on it with the therapist – as there have been sexual traumas that I have been through in multiple past lives that are definitely affecting me today. Plus my husband and I have been together in past lives and we were NOT friends then. This, too, affects me today. There is fear on both sides.

I know that I’m not up to making the first move and  there is an inner pressure building up that sooner or later I will have to face this issue. All this time, my husband has NOT EVEN ONCE MENTIONED the fact that we are not intimate. He hasn’t pressured me or even hinted about it. But deep down, I know that if I try to work out a better relationship with him, the next thing that comes is sex.

My inner guide told me NOT TO WORRY. I was told that my husband knows the truth deep down – that he may have to change according to who I truly am. He knows that along with improving our relationship will come my side of the story and he will have to face MY NEEDS and MY WANTS and he will have to learn about me a little bit more intimately. That is something he is not ready to face. He won’t be ready for that for another long while, I was told. He is still busy keeping himself occupied with many people who call him for help and counseling. He uses his energies and emotions on that. Dealing with Sarah – his human wife – who is undergoing the process of differentiation, is currently too overwhelming and he feels safer with me now, the way it is.

My inner guide told me that just as my husband ACCEPTED his children (or is working on accepting them) for WHO THEY ARE even though it is very hard for him, he will one day come to accept ME for who I am. And the same way he adjusted his expectations and his attitudes and behaviors towards our children (it took a lot of time for that.. but he did it) , he will also come to realize that he needs to view me as a person separate from him – with my own nature, personality, feelings and preferences.

This conversation with my inner guide may have been my first positive visualization towards a better relationship with my husband. It is showing me that in HIS TIME, with HIS SKILLS and HIS CHOICE – he will come forward to greet me. He will come forward to learn about me and he will come forward to accept me.

Amen.

The second gift was this  album by Cori Cole. It blew me away.

Note to Self ~ Self-Sabotage to the Rescue

Dear Sarah,

Aha!!! So it happened!! You were aware of change! And you were aware of the resistance to change. Because the change was for the better. And God Forbid if your life gets better. God Forbid if you become more independent, more HAPPY. OK, I’m being sarcastic. Sorry.

Let’s back up.

Dear Sarah,

I am happy. Do you know why? Because you have discovered a pattern and now that you see it, YOU CAN BLOCK IT!  You see that there is actually a choice: to take the easy path of the known or to try a new approach. Until now, there was no choice. You kept on falling into the same ruts each time because you didn’t know what was pushing you in there.

And here you have it very clearly defined: The Fear of Success pushing you, driving you, getting you down. YOU NOTICED IT! I am soooooooooo proud of you!

You know, I have heard so much about the Fear of Success and self-sabotage but honestly I didn’t know that it had anything to do with us. That was for entrepreneurs who need to work on believing that they are real and that their business idea can make it.  But for little old Sarah? Really?!

And here you have it. You were feeling so high, so ready and so grounded. You had a thought about what time management meant to you and how you can utilize time for your own advantage. You became unafraid of time. In that moment of relief and clarity, you had the meaning of time in your back pocket. Life would be great. No more shriveling up in the face of others’ demands or others’ schedules. No more unidentified flying objects coming at you from nowhere due to lack of time management. It all made sense. Boundaries and structure work hand in hand with time-keeping.

And then you were up all night. Couldn’t sleep. The next day was not a productive day. You felt blah and down. You easily could have fallen into the trap that your little fear devil was trying to lay. However, instead you didn’t get too bogged down either way. So today was not a great accomplishing day. Tomorrow will be better. The freedom you acquired from that great epiphany you had about time was not going anywhere. It is here to stay. You are not letting this back you up or put you to bed.

New opportunities have been presented to you in the past 24 hours – a yoga class at a friend’s house, a voice class…. Life is sending you messages. You can choose to move on and not get lost in the morass of self-sabotage. The negative feelings think they are serving  a purpose but in reality they are not helping you. They are just keeping things status quo.

It’s time for change. We are ready!

So excited!! Loving you so much,

Your Inner Loving Guide