I’m working on my self. Not on my husband. I’m working on my ability to connect with myself. I am working on my ability to be happy.
What would it take for me to be happy?
I had a dream. I was lost in a neighborhood I knew so well. The streets were predictable, like a grid with numbers and letters. There was no way I could have gotten lost. Yet, a set of streets with an overpass sprung up in middle of the intersection, criss-crossing the avenue. I had no idea how to continue. I stopped a woman in the street to ask for directions. She was pushing a baby carriage. She told me how to get to my destination. I looked in the direction she was pointing to but I was sure that I would get lost. It just didn’t look right.
As part of my dream interpretation session with my therapist, he asked me to become the street. When I became the overpass – it was great. I hung out on top, watching the hullabaloo beneath me. Then he asked me to go down and become those new streets that came up and it was really very dizzying. When my therapist asked me to become that lady, I resisted and said it was impossible. She was happy! And I am not. He said that since she was in my dream, she really is a part of me so I can become her. I had to put on her body and her clothing and see what it felt like to be her.
This experience was a great eye-opener for me. I did not know that being in a happy body actually felt like a punishment! I managed to get into her from head to midriff. It hurt too much to even get down to her waist. Me and happiness seem not to be compatible.
And here I have been claiming to be on the path to happiness. And that is all I want in life?!?!? What in the world is going on?
When asked by my therapist to explain this, the answer I got from an inner voice was that if I indeed became “happy”, I would lose the chance to be around support people and I would have to be on my own. I am holding on to whatever dysfunction I can just in order to maintain my connections with the great people I am in touch with for support.
My therapist assured me that they will still be there for me even if I have nothing to complain about. He also said that I don’t have to create blocks for myself (like plunking down a set of streets where none existed before). There were enough challenges in daily living that would pop up in the course of my life, without my help.
It is not fun to find out such kinds of things about myself. But it is fun to know that there may be secret blocks to my full-capacity living. Once uncovered, I am free to move on and try on the rest of the body of happiness.