Poem borne of Pain

master of the world

hold my hand and help me breathe

become the master and father I need

pray for me when I can’t pray

stand for me when my feet sway

grant me strength and give me heart

do not leave me when I fall apart

dance for me and the future me

let me know that I will be

okay

Advertisements

Half a Husband?

I had a conversation with a woman I was interviewing to see if, as a therapist, she’d be a good match for my daughter. We discussed my husband’s BPD and I mentioned that my daughter has half a father, for all practical purposes. She then asked me if that means that I have half a husband.

This question caught me off guard. If someone would have asked me this a year ago, I would have said that I have no husband. But suddenly, I couldn’t decide how to respond. I just chuckled. When I thought about it later, I decided that I had 3/4 of a husband. I don’t have him emotionally or romantically but physically and financially he is there. Hmmm. So maybe that is half a husband. One can argue that the physical and financial part of him being there adds to the emotional stability. Arghhh.

One can also argue that not having a spouse being there for you emotionally or romantically is so demeaning and painful that it negates the other areas where he does have presence.

I believe that it all depends on the lenses with which I choose to view my world. If I am to stay married, and keep up whatever work I want to do here – it does me no good to focus on the negative and harp on what is missing. I know my husband is not doing anything with ill intentions. He is handicapped.

I am working on being less satisfied and OK with him not being available for me emotionally or romantically. I have been talking about it in therapy. Expressing my feelings and opinions there is very difficult but it sure is a cinch compared to expressing my true feelings to my husband who is a borderline personality.

I often think to myself that it is obvious that the purpose of this marriage and our time together is not for romance. It is for growth and lessons learned. I hate that sometimes. I am changing for the better because of him and I believe that he is changing for the better because of me .. although I can’t say for sure.

Time has this way of passing very slowly for me. I wish I was above and beyond time and space so I can get a measure of comfort. Sometimes I am given little hints of love that prove to me that I am not living this life alone. There is some-One out there who is looking after me.

 

Silent Treatment 

He hasn’t said more than two words to me since Tuesday night. Hubby, that is. And it’s Thursday night.

He is deep in his sickness- BPD.

He hasn’t given me the silent treatment for a long time and I truly was surprised to face this once again. I know he truly never healed, just his harsh symptoms subsided. Still. I thought this was behind us. I didn’t expect his bitterness and disrespect to ruin the holiday. 

It’s holiday time and my husband’s bi-polar brother came for a few days. BIG trigger. Still. I expected better. 

Well, well. My therapist explained to me that feeling that my husband is dead wrong for how he behaves is similar to thinking a person with fever is wrong for having high temperature. Sick is sick and so he is.  

A bit of perspective always helps.

My New Boss Has BPD

Do I have BPD on my brain? 

I already do the eggshell dance with my new boss. I try to pretend he doesn’t have BPD, but I also try to avoid him. I do not quake in fear (right. who am I fooling?) and I do not hesitate to say my truth when it needs to be heard.  

I know the following about him:
a- he is ultra sensitive 

b- he hates imperfection 

c- he preaches many things he has trouble actually practicing 

d- his employees take his word as a command (or else!)

e- he is exceptionally smart and generous 

f- he always is checking to see how others receive him

g- he is very quick to anger 

h- he thinks he is humble while everyone who knows him thinks that he is full of himself 

I can go on and on. 

The way I handle it is by not engaging in drama. I try hard not to want and need his approval. I endeavor to give of myself to the company and offer a pleasant encounter with whoever I interact. I know my value and I appreciate the paycheck. 

So help me. 

Fears in Business and Life

I was reading an article by Gordon Tredgold related to fears in business and life. The amazing article (which can be found here) ended with a question. I decided to answer the question quickly, without thinking at all about it. I just jotted down the list. First I got a list of the bolded words below. Then I went back and added one sentence to each item. This is what I got. I think I need to speak with my therapist 😉 !!

The question is: Which fears impact you and your business the most?

The fear of being real

       who am i to know what to do 

of being discovered 

       who am i to have a say

of knowledge 

       who am i to deserve to know 

of giving 

        will i see a return on my investment 

of answering to a higher authority 

         what will happen if I don’t succeed 

of creating something from nothing 

           is there really something here that nobody else yet discovered?

of loving something i cannot have

          how can i want it, if i want it so much 

of working for nothing 

          will this make any difference to anybody?

of selling myself short 

          my life’s a waste, no one appreciates me, it’s not worth it. 

of being an imposter 

           they think i know what i’m talking about 

of returning to dust

          why bother. 

Frozen In Time 

Our time together has been stale

Musty with smells of yesterday 

I agree that it’s been less than optimal for both of us,

Our time together,

Which can also be called 

Our time apart. 

For until we are done cleaning house 

We will be experiencing the pains of growth 

And the burden of our past lives 

weighing down on us, 

pushing us towards our destiny 

of togetherness. 

I can’t even imagine what togetherness would look like. 

Frozen in time now. 

Walking Alone

I was at an impasse – wanting to move forward with my relationship but not wanting to move forward. The idea of moving forward brought up so much fear that I cowered and rebelled and found myself stuck between a rock and a hard place – squirming and yet, strangely comfortable.

The reasoning was that I already came so far! I cannot do this any longer! This life here on earth… too much work!!! I had so many offerings of self-pity for myself – it actually brought me to tears many times. I just could not understand what was being asked of me and I was left feeling sorry and very lonely.

Here in this marriage relationship I very much want that we should be friends. I don’t like this living together and not living together. It’s not the way it’s supposed to be!!! something inside me screams. The other voices shout – YOU CANNOT TRUST HIM!! THE MAN DIDN’T TAKE CARE OF YOU WELL IN THE PAST AND IF YOU GO VULNERABLE ON HIM, YOU WILL GIVE HIM FUEL TO HURT YOU WITH!!

So much fear! And yet, something in me desperately wants him.

Over this past year I have differentiated and no longer feel fused to him or needy and dependent on his approval. It is a matter of trust now. There are many fears that I must work through before trust is established. I am tired of walking alone. I know that if I walk with my Higher Power, I will be guided and directed towards my dreams and vision for a successful relationship.