Looking for the Good

I have been asked to think about what my BP husband DOES have to offer.

There are certain things that he is consistent with and I can count on him for. Another thing about him is that he has good intentions. Borderline Personality Disorder affects him in the relationship. But it does not take away from his basic good heart. His insecurities are not his innate and intrinsic personality.

It’s hard for me to break it down this way because in the end, it’s a marriage to this ONE person who is relating to me in a manner that is extreme and self-centered. I know it’s coming from insecurity but I have feelings and am just a human being.

I am trying out a new way of looking at the marriage.

What can I do? I can not expect my BP husband to fulfill certain aspects of what a typical marriage relationship does. Even just getting heard and some attention is something I can not expect in this marriage. I can say to myself that this marriage is about what I have to offer to HIM and how I can help HIM. I can fulfill my need for emotional validation and feedback from a few trusted support people.

I am learning what is there and what isn’t there. This is a process.

Thanks for listening!

BPD Classroom

I received permission from a poster on a BPD support forum to include this here.

It describes what a spouse or SO of a BP learns on the job.
Enjoy!

…

You meet the wonderful “other” who seems so perfect, puts you on a pedestal, fills what you think you were looking for.

Once you are hooked they gradually let you see the other dark self. Dr. Jekyl gradually lets Mr. Hyde out of the closet.

The realization sinks in that you are with someone difficult, scary, and unhealthy.

But it is tough to run because you are by now stuck due to kids/money.

You realize you have lessons to learn and since you are stuck you better learn them.

(from my experience this step comes after much disbelief, anger, and depression. -SS)

You learn to heal and transform yourself because it is the only person you can control.

You learn that you need to go deeper into:self love, self-worth, self-reliance, forgiveness, patience, gratitude, strength, faith, courage, to name a few.

You come out stronger, clearer, wiser.

(These last 3 steps can be excruciating! But it’s worth it! – SS)

Your partner sees you getting stronger and less controllable.

Partner tries harder to use old negative coping skills that used to work on you but no longer work because you are getting stronger.

Partner starts to respect you more and makes shifts.

Partner either takes responsibility or the relationship breaks apart.

You leave or they leave and classroom ends. Looking back you appreciate the perfection of the classroom.

Or if you stay it is with a change in power dynamics in a healthier, milder direction but you must get control of money/kids so partner cannot jerk your chain.

It is a different classroom.

Excerpt from my Journal

I have been inspired this past week to do spontaneous, subconscious writing every night. This was written on day 2.

by living in fantasy of WANTING someone who is NOT THERE FOR ME to BE THERE FOR ME , I live in a world where I am suspended in mid-air. waiting. waiting for a miracle. if he responds and takes care of what I want and need, then I am relieved and can temporarily drop down to earth and enjoy my great fortune. and if he does NOT respond to my request – I remain suspended and wanting and craving and angry and denying and pretending and out of sorts and in a state of extreme yearning.

this is unknown to me consciously. I will not dare admit that I am yearning. because yearning is for suckers. those who think that sick people are capable of giving more than they can give. and yearning means you are hopeful. and to be hopeful when in reality you KNOW that there is nothing to hope for.. because the person is SICK… it’s just stupid. illogical.

and I remain in the state of gelled idiocy, and hypocrisy. I remain in a state of death-like paralysis. I am not capable of moving forward. the initial reaction of wanting HIM to be there for me. And wanting HIM to be approachable. and wanting HIM to magically make it all go away (all the bad and horrible egg shell crunching) and wanting HIM to be the significant other in my life. and wanting HIM to be my partner. and wanting HIM to do the man-like things in the house. and wanting HIM to be less vulnerable and more of a man. and wanting HIM to be a human being and not a robot. and the extreme wanting of waiting and wishing and escaping the tremendous tremendous disappointment by distracting myself and forcing myself to forget. and the self-protection that I have in place which does not allow me to speak up for myself and entertain the thought that there are unmet needs in the wings… all this

all this.

all this  is so big.

huge.

and it’s a cavernous gaping  hole in my life today.

a shame-filled existence where I get stop-gapped by filling myself with side effects that have no bearing on the real problems that I stuff every day.

the true cause of my melancholy. will it be revealed to me?

Shoulds and Shoulders

I have been noticing that my shoulders are super stiff. Sometimes I take the time to relax them, and a moment later they go right back up to the defensive position. I feel as though I have rods inside, holding up my arms because the shoulders are cut off.

My shoulders are unfeeling. They may not make the mistake of feeling and possibly tripping up.  An analogy would be – an oil jug that is plugged and sealed. It is impossible to reach the oil unless you either open the seal or crack open the jug. In my case, my shoulders are tightly closed. I have tried to pry open the cover so I can reach its contents. My shoulders are angry. They are full of shoulds and musts.I may have to crack the jug open to find out what’s there.

At times I feel that my shoulders are holding up my body for no good reason. My body is fine lying down for good and giving up the fight. This has been a long journey and no peace, my friend, no peace.

Smart people use what there is to find their way around. And I get stuck  in the here and the now. It’s dark, so it’s dark.  I stay put and wait for a savior. That’s all I can do. I would wait til forever for someone else to put the lights on.

My hurt and pain is so great. My safest course of action is to stay put.

Perhaps I can examine this go-to reaction of staying put and see if I can do better.

In some areas of my life, I love spontaneity. I constantly change the menu and the schedule.  I love when things change, like the seasons. It shouldn’t be so difficult for me to get used to

a change of thinking

a change of attitude

a change of maneuvers.

Are my life anchors in danger of being displaced?  Perhaps I am just rusty and conditioned to this position? Do I need to defend my position as though my life depends on it – as the Japanese holdouts who never were aware that their country surrendered ending WWII and insisted on defending the Emperor to death?

Hmmm… sounds like it.

I can tell my inner child that it’s safe to come out. No one is looking for her. Her country surrendered. The game of hide and seek is over.

I can explore with her other options to hiding and biting. We can be seen. in public,  with clothes on and our hair brushed, with our cellphone and car. We can explore all possibilities. We can allow ourselves to be guided. We can use our intuition. No one is forcing us into any corner. We are finally free.

My Borderline’s Money Rules or I’ll Take The Peels

Is my husband really terrible at managing money? How did he manage to pay the bills all these years? We have debt but it’s not racking up interest. There seems to be a method to the madness.

Well, here it is:

My Borderline’s Money Rules:

if you have it, you’re lucky.

some people are blessed. they don’t have to worry about paying bills. they have what they need. i am not envious of them. they have other problems. if they have wealth, they don’t have health… so why would I want that? and then other people make them crazy, thinking they can get money out of them. i know a lot of wealthy people. i know how hard their life is. believe me, I’m not jealous – not even a tiny drop. 

if you want to make someone happy, you give it to them.

I have a lot of clients that are well-off. they are lucky that they don’t have to carry the same burden that I have. I feel that they should pay me well because it’s not hard for them. they HAVE the money. I won’t ask for a raise because I just can’t. but I still think it’s not right that they don’t pay me more. I’m just saying. 

it’s only right to help others. you have to do things right. I can’t leave a broken switch for the new home Buyers even if our house DID pass inspection and no one asked for the switch to be changed. it’s not right. i want them to get the house the same way i got it. so i will now fix everything that i didn’t fix for the past 10 years. i think it’s RIGHT. and i don’t want them to complain to me later. the mailbox needs to be fixed. this doorknob is loose. and the air conditioner in our bedroom will be replaced for the Buyers. They need it.

Well, it didn’t help. They will always have what to complain about. No one appreciates anything I do for them. Oh well. 

the best way to save money is by not needing anything.

look, i never needed anything. that is just my nature. if you cultivate a sense of not needing anything, you will always have enough money for what you need the basic necessities of life. I believe you can manage with really very little. Bread, water, salt.. maybe avocado… that’s enough. I never bought myself a snack or a treat and I only eat chocolate if I need the caffeine to keep myself up. Do you know how hard I work to support my family? They all need and need and need. If they’d only STOP SPENDING and STOP NEEDING stuff…. my life would be MUCH easier. 

(the truth is, you don’t deserve to have it anyhow)

nowadays everyone feels entitled. who said you should be living in such a house? or be wearing such a suit? or be shopping in such stores? who am I to walk around thinking that I deserve to have all this stuff? I’m a nobody. Just a servant of the One Above. A lowly worm. I don’t deserve anything. Everything I have is a gift. 

if you run out of it (or low), it’s a sign that you spend too much.

when I see the bank account dwindling, I KNOW that someone is spending too much. (and it’s not ME!) if my wife would stop shopping all the time and doing things behind my back, we would be better off and we would have enough money to pay the bills. i give her money every week so obviously, if she uses the checking account…. or uses up the cash… it’s because she has a spending problem. there is no use in talking about budgeting and income vs. expense. she will never stop needing things. end of story. 

and it’s a sign that God is not happy with you.

I really don’t know what I did to deserve all this punishment around money. I try to be honest and not to cheat anyone. I try to pay all the bills on time. I try to give charity and all that. But sometimes I feel like God just is not happy with me. He hid His face from me. He finds me undeserving of His bounty. It’s obvious because look how hard I struggle and I still can barely make ends meet. There is no end to this runaround and it’s all because I am unloved by God.

if you push yourself to the max and run around like mad, you will have enough money to pay the bills.

even though God is not happy with me, and even though my wife just spends and spends without asking me, and even though people always want my money, and even though I never have enough of it – I have found that if I keep on trying and working and taking more and more side jobs, and working for the right (=rich) people THEN I will be able to scrape by. I still have debt and have NO idea how I will get out of it, but if I hustle then in the end, through a lot of hard work and sweat and no sleep – the bills will be paid. 

If I think of any other rules of money, I will add it in the comment section.

What are your dysfunctional rules of money?

Asking ~ Poem

a few days ago
I was searching for the keys to happiness.
I came across them in the grocery store.
there was the green backed key
which opened the ice cream display
the orange backed key
which opened the take-out display
the blue backed key
which opened the bakery display
and the silver key
which opened the giant storehouse in the back.

as I was deciding which key to use
a girl passed by
and she seemed sad.
excuse me, she said
do you know where the restroom is?
I went to show her the way
but it was locked
and its key I did not have.

we had to ask the manager
for the special key
to the restrooms.
they don’t want people coming there
and using it at any time
without asking
because if they would leave it unlocked
or give out the key
(as they give out all the other keys to happiness)
people might realize
that true happiness
is not found in
cake displays, ice cream freezers or take-out.

it is found in the simple pleasures of life.

what the grocery store people
do not realize
is that
learning to ask for what you need
brings happiness
too.

Letting Go of Wanting to Control Him

Tonight, feeling the gravity of my situation, and feeling terribly trapped, I willed my husband a quick and easy death. I reasoned that if the process would go smoothly, it would be the easiest way for me to be free.

Divorcing him would be so ugly. He is a fighter, a complainer, and a blamer. He is a manipulator and narcissist. He is not in touch with reality and I fear the backlash.

It was not the first time I let my mind wander to such a place.

Praying and wishing for my husband to die is a form of wanting to control another person.

When I realized that I needed an alternative wish, I said the Serenity Prayer –

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change

Courage to change the things I can

And wisdom to know the difference.

If I learned anything yet in my life, it is that it is impossible to change another person.

As much as I  want to blame my stuff on the other’s behavior, it still leaves just myself that I can change.

What needs change in me?

I can be more assertive and set better limits. I can be more active and invested in my own recovery. I can work on getting out of victim mode. I can get as much support as I need.

I sense within me a burning desire and burning anger. The simultaneous feelings of wanting to be happy and wanting my husband dead – they really cannot co-exist.

If my mind is focused on wanting him dead, it is in the Controlling frame of mind.

And if my mind is in the desire-to- be-happy state, it is in the Receiving state of mind.

A controlling frame of mind is useful for just one thing – making me feel horrid and out of control.

When I seek true happiness, I can accomplish great things and be open to expansion.

When I take tiny steps, even half-baby-steps, towards serenity, joy, fun, and pleasure – I build confidence in my own abilities. This gives me energy to take further steps to increase my joy in this life.

Where my marriage is headed remains to be seen.

I need to remember that when I avoid facing the feelings and the facts, it doesn’t do me any good. Pretending to myself that I am happy when I am sad, causes me terrible anguish. On the other hand, living in a state of sadness is extremely painful.

I am learning how to balance my load. Perhaps there are some packages that I can get off my back. The first one, I guess, would be wishing my husband dead. That is one package I can leave to the One who Created him.

Just tonight I heard my husband whispering to G-d to save him.

I wonder if we share the same G-d.

If we do, then I need some alone time with Him.

There is a lot to discuss.