I was reading an article by Gordon Tredgold related to fears in business and life. The amazing article (which can be found here) ended with a question. I decided to answer the question quickly, without thinking at all about it. I just jotted down the list. First I got a list of the bolded words below. Then I went back and added one sentence to each item. This is what I got. I think I need to speak with my therapist 😉 !!
The question is: Which fears impact you and your business the most?
The fear of being real
who am i to know what to do
of being discovered
who am i to have a say
who am i to deserve to know
will i see a return on my investment
of answering to a higher authority
what will happen if I don’t succeed
of creating something from nothing
is there really something here that nobody else yet discovered?
of loving something i cannot have
how can i want it, if i want it so much
of working for nothing
will this make any difference to anybody?
of selling myself short
my life’s a waste, no one appreciates me, it’s not worth it.
of being an imposter
they think i know what i’m talking about
of returning to dust
I was at an impasse – wanting to move forward with my relationship but not wanting to move forward. The idea of moving forward brought up so much fear that I cowered and rebelled and found myself stuck between a rock and a hard place – squirming and yet, strangely comfortable.
The reasoning was that I already came so far! I cannot do this any longer! This life here on earth… too much work!!! I had so many offerings of self-pity for myself – it actually brought me to tears many times. I just could not understand what was being asked of me and I was left feeling sorry and very lonely.
Here in this marriage relationship I very much want that we should be friends. I don’t like this living together and not living together. It’s not the way it’s supposed to be!!! something inside me screams. The other voices shout – YOU CANNOT TRUST HIM!! THE MAN DIDN’T TAKE CARE OF YOU WELL IN THE PAST AND IF YOU GO VULNERABLE ON HIM, YOU WILL GIVE HIM FUEL TO HURT YOU WITH!!
So much fear! And yet, something in me desperately wants him.
Over this past year I have differentiated and no longer feel fused to him or needy and dependent on his approval. It is a matter of trust now. There are many fears that I must work through before trust is established. I am tired of walking alone. I know that if I walk with my Higher Power, I will be guided and directed towards my dreams and vision for a successful relationship.
but for the pain
but for the load I bear
I would not feel
or know the truth
but for the trickle of hope
but for outlandish
but for the outcast, the student of loss
but for the current of shame
I would not hear
the songs in my ear
I would not have the urge
I would not feel
or know the truth
I shared the following over the email recently with a friend. Positive changes… Yeah!
December 2 2016
I want to give you a good report as opposed to my usual complaining. Over the past week there is a noticeable difference within me in relation to my husband and vice versa. I am much less scared of him and it seems he of me. We have done light shopping together last Thursday night and tonight and it was enjoyable and not in the least bit stressful. My husband usually doesn’t have-or give me- any time.
This is a brand new phenomenon.
December 12 2016
My life is changing quickly now. On a swiftly tilting planet. I just want to share with you what’s happening – there is something surreal about it. But it’s working for me and I am beginning to accept this new way of life.
I have been doing a lot of letting go recently. I have been giving up my intellect and personal feelings for a conscience that lives inside. The change is drastic. I am not sure who I am anymore. It is wonderful and very overwhelming at the same time. Many times I want to respond to someone or some situation in a way that either my heart or mind dictates and when I check in with my conscience- I am directed in the completely opposite direction. When I say conscience I mean that still small voice inside which I always thought was a figure of speech.
I don’t know what is ahead. I want to be fully functional and I have a way to go. I think the worst is over.
Next week is the fundraiser of my husband’s organization – This organization that I have resented for years. This organization that turned my husband into a saint and do-gooder. This organization that was the addiction my husband used (workaholic/goodism) for many years to avoid his other problems. I always went to the events begrudgingly -an unhappy party to this idiocy that wears the cloak of community service.
Now, for some reason, thinking about the upcoming event does not evoke the same assortment of negative emotions and resentments. I just realized that this may be the first event in years that I am not rejecting. This is not something I worked on in sessions – it just is. I wonder if it is connected to my overall acceptance of my husband for who he is and my attempts not to stand in judgment.
Can this be?!
What in the world is going on?
My life is getting better and I am finding the function of my blog beginning to change.
I don’t want to accept myself or my BP husband right now. I just want to BE HAPPY.
I want to stop living in the Journey, the Struggle, and the Long Walk towards acceptance.
I want to live in the NOW. Right here – where I live right now. I want to enjoy my home. I want to enjoy the children. I want to enjoy my food. I want to enjoy myself. I want to enjoy giving. I want to enjoy speaking my truth. And I want to acknowledge – right here, right now – that the gift of intuition has made itself known to me and for that I am so grateful.
I have been able to check in with my inner wisdom for advice and it is giving me so much confidence and joy. I am living on a plane of existence that I did not know was possible for me. My husband is trusting me more and I am afraid of him less. We are beginning to spend happy time together and I am very hopeful.