master of the world
hold my hand and help me breathe
become the master and father I need
pray for me when I can’t pray
stand for me when my feet sway
grant me strength and give me heart
do not leave me when I fall apart
dance for me and the future me
let me know that I will be
I had a conversation with a woman I was interviewing to see if, as a therapist, she’d be a good match for my daughter. We discussed my husband’s BPD and I mentioned that my daughter has half a father, for all practical purposes. She then asked me if that means that I have half a husband.
This question caught me off guard. If someone would have asked me this a year ago, I would have said that I have no husband. But suddenly, I couldn’t decide how to respond. I just chuckled. When I thought about it later, I decided that I had 3/4 of a husband. I don’t have him emotionally or romantically but physically and financially he is there. Hmmm. So maybe that is half a husband. One can argue that the physical and financial part of him being there adds to the emotional stability. Arghhh.
One can also argue that not having a spouse being there for you emotionally or romantically is so demeaning and painful that it negates the other areas where he does have presence.
I believe that it all depends on the lenses with which I choose to view my world. If I am to stay married, and keep up whatever work I want to do here – it does me no good to focus on the negative and harp on what is missing. I know my husband is not doing anything with ill intentions. He is handicapped.
I am working on being less satisfied and OK with him not being available for me emotionally or romantically. I have been talking about it in therapy. Expressing my feelings and opinions there is very difficult but it sure is a cinch compared to expressing my true feelings to my husband who is a borderline personality.
I often think to myself that it is obvious that the purpose of this marriage and our time together is not for romance. It is for growth and lessons learned. I hate that sometimes. I am changing for the better because of him and I believe that he is changing for the better because of me .. although I can’t say for sure.
Time has this way of passing very slowly for me. I wish I was above and beyond time and space so I can get a measure of comfort. Sometimes I am given little hints of love that prove to me that I am not living this life alone. There is some-One out there who is looking after me.
I see a marked difference since I filled the pill boxes with vitamins and he started on them. It’s 11 days and he is nicer- the overall bitterness and nastiness is now gone. He is still a kvetch but nothing close to the sharp-around-the-edges porcupine he had been 2-3 weeks prior.
My husband has high blood pressure and at one point wanted to try vitamins. I had a kinesiologist test for him exactly what he needed. He took the vitamins for a few days before quitting and I still have a 3 month supply. Those vitamins are excellent for the nervous system.
This is the first time he took supplements directly related to stress on a steady basis. It’s 7 vitamins 2x a day. I am very grateful that it’s gotten this far and that I have seen a difference in him.
There are just some things you can’t control. (Hint: second to -1)
Our time together has been stale
Musty with smells of yesterday
I agree that it’s been less than optimal for both of us,
Our time together,
Which can also be called
Our time apart.
For until we are done cleaning house
We will be experiencing the pains of growth
And the burden of our past lives
weighing down on us,
pushing us towards our destiny
I can’t even imagine what togetherness would look like.
Frozen in time now.
I was at an impasse – wanting to move forward with my relationship but not wanting to move forward. The idea of moving forward brought up so much fear that I cowered and rebelled and found myself stuck between a rock and a hard place – squirming and yet, strangely comfortable.
The reasoning was that I already came so far! I cannot do this any longer! This life here on earth… too much work!!! I had so many offerings of self-pity for myself – it actually brought me to tears many times. I just could not understand what was being asked of me and I was left feeling sorry and very lonely.
Here in this marriage relationship I very much want that we should be friends. I don’t like this living together and not living together. It’s not the way it’s supposed to be!!! something inside me screams. The other voices shout – YOU CANNOT TRUST HIM!! THE MAN DIDN’T TAKE CARE OF YOU WELL IN THE PAST AND IF YOU GO VULNERABLE ON HIM, YOU WILL GIVE HIM FUEL TO HURT YOU WITH!!
So much fear! And yet, something in me desperately wants him.
Over this past year I have differentiated and no longer feel fused to him or needy and dependent on his approval. It is a matter of trust now. There are many fears that I must work through before trust is established. I am tired of walking alone. I know that if I walk with my Higher Power, I will be guided and directed towards my dreams and vision for a successful relationship.
So like who even cares. Why do I hafta walk through this aisle of pain, shame, grief and heartache. Who asked for this? My life would’ve been fine without him and his insecurities. I refuse to be the one to do all the work. Let him show up for a change.
My Inner Complainer
The walls have expanded to fit me and my husband’s stories together. We are bound by our souls and we have some corrections to make together. I, in my attitude and behavior towards him. And he, in his attitude and behavior towards me. We need to be married to accomplish this. I need to feel isolated and ashamed to share my true feelings with him. I need to learn that it is
unfair to BOTH of us if I remain silent and keep to myself.
I need to find language to reach him with. I need to feel like I know fosure that there is someone better out there for me who life would be so much easier to live with. AND I need to decide that I am staying (which I did over here) and I am not leaving my husband for another man. I need to accept that imaginary lovers are not lovers. I need to take responsibility for my marriage’s future. Now.
I don’t want to admit that it’s NOT OK to live together but not live together. I don’t want to admit that I have a strong desire. I don’t want to admit that I have girl power.
I want to stay adamant in my defiance and prediction that this marriage has no real hope for real reconciliation. I want to stay curled up in bed waiting for magic and mystery to cast a spell and disengage me so that I don’t have to do the work.
It’s silly to think like this, though. I have no choice. Karma is strong.
I wish the friend I wished for, would turn out to be my husband…
This song I composed for myself this summer has been playing in my head recently. It pretty much sums up the funk I’m in.
I wish I had a friend who I can share my life with
I wish I had a friend who I can share my love with
I wish I had a friend who I can share my soul with
I wish I had a friend
I wish I had a friend
I could sit in therapists’ offices
I can sit behind the rabbi’s desk
I can pout and blame and then I’ll tell everyone
That I’m sad and mad and really depressed
And after that I would just run away
I’ve been running away for so many years
But only talking the talk, and not walking the walk
Should I run away?
Should I run away?
And if I run away, with whom shall I play?
I want a friend now.