Sometimes you need a reminder. You need me to tell you how WELL you are doing!
I see what you face each day. I am witness to your conscious choices. I see you tackle some experiences that come your way as if you are up for it, even ready and waiting. I realize that it is not possible to foresee what will come your way. You are neither a seer nor a saint. You are human and can only work with what is in front of you. Therefore you will be surprised at times by some experiences and you may not feel up for it.
I want you to know that I am here with you holding your hand along this journey into the unknown. Changing default responses is HUGE! I am so happy and proud to be a witness to this process.
Sarah, you never wanted to talk about your relationship with your husband. It wasn’t anything worth talking about. You have diaries full of pain and questions and most of it was about the man you are married to. I know. You don’t have to double check.
Now that you had the opportunity to talk about the dysfunction with some excellent therapists and you unearthed shattered dreams, you seem to have a newfound strength of character. I noticed recently that you often use your mind over your heart as a default response when dealing with your husband. When the heart screams, “Oh, you stupid idiot! Not again!!” – your mind opens your mouth with “OK. Fine. I will take care of it.”
I don’t look at you as a pushover when you do this. I know it’s coming from a place of strength. You are CHOOSING not to fight. You are choosing not to tell other people what to do. You are choosing to deal with what is before you and not judge, blame or ridicule others for their decisions. And if the “other people” is your husband, then so be it. His issues and mistakes of judgment are his issues. So the part that is yours is how you will react. And you are getting that! It’s no use to judge and blame. Argh.
You know, Sarah, sometimes things are fixed. There is no changing the facts. Like last night when he told you his plans for the morning. You thought his plans were really out of touch with reality. They did not make sense for him, for you or for your household. But he wasn’t calling you to ask you for your opinion. It was late and his schedule was set. You sensed this immediately. All arrows pointed to one direction – and that was to take it and look at it like a package delivered to you and for you to make sense of. That’s not much different than a child making a senseless mess and now you have to deal with it. Your husband sometimes acts childish in an adult manner and you are left to deal with his messes.
Criticism and condemnation are awesome. They make you feel GOOD. After all, he was stupid and you’re just saying. Right?
Well, tonight I saw you react in a way that was not Condemning nor Critical AND You Were Just Saying. That’s a much better feeling, I propose. Here is another aspect of change that I have noticed recently. Not only have you learned to leave “well/unwell enough alone” 🙂 , you have learned to speak up when appropriate. For example, just tonight the conversation with your husband turned heated. I would say that it was on the spectrum of an argument. He got angry and started pulling some of his old tactics – avoidance, finger pointing and more finger pointing. ARGH. This is EXACTLY what you were scared of.
I know. You don’t have to double check. Right?
So, Sarah, I want you to know that I’m proud of you for how you reacted tonight. You were put on the defensive by virtue of the fact that your husband … is he a dh yet?…. attacked you with words. You reacted very well under the circumstances. You offered him a choice – to continue the conversation civilly or to end it right there. He didn’t like your attitude (does he ever?) BUT he stopped bickering finally. When he pulled the “it’s all your fault that our son is the way he is” card , you didn’t take it. You said “Well, I don’t accept that.” You realize that nothing is completely one person’s “fault”. And who said it’s something bad anyway, how your son turned out.
And one more thing! I am so proud of you that you took the time to explain some facts of life to your husband. That was Special! I have heard you explain concepts in detail to your children but never to your husband. You couldn’t – I know! And tonight !!!! you actually had the ability to give analogies and use your power of speech to paint a picture for your husband. You planted within him the seed that will hopefully sprout into a beautiful and strong tree – a tree of life, one that you can hang from its branches, write under its shade and snuggle in its nest. Your nest.
Me, your loving inner guide