Can Life Get Better?

Dear Me,

Dear Me!

Can this be?!

What in the world is going on?

My life is getting better and I am finding the function of my blog beginning to change.

I don’t want to accept myself or my BP husband right now. I just want to BE HAPPY.

I want to stop living in the Journey, the Struggle, and the Long Walk towards acceptance.

I want to live in the NOW. Right here – where I live right now. I want to enjoy my home. I want to enjoy the children. I want to enjoy my food. I want to enjoy myself. I want to enjoy giving. I want to enjoy speaking my truth. And I want to acknowledge – right here, right now – that the gift of intuition has made itself known to me and for that I am so grateful.

I have been able to check in with my inner wisdom for advice and it is giving me so much confidence and joy. I am living on a plane of existence that I did not know was possible for me. My husband is trusting me more and I am afraid of him less. We are beginning to spend happy time together and I am very hopeful.

🙂

Note to Self ~ Morning Pages

Dear Sarah,

Good Morning! I am so happy to have this opportunity to communicate with you. Today I wanted to talk about the morning pages. I know that you feel that it’s not going to figure into your recovery the way that therapy does or a 12 Step Program does. You may not ever use these morning pages to write a book or to get your artist out. However, you will use them to become the best you possible. To spill the brain onto the page and to let it go is so important! I know that you are just at the beginning of your journey into a great big unknown where you will need as much courage as you can get. If you take 15 minutes to get your morning pages done, I am sure that you will see a big difference in your day. Your happiness level will change. These pages are yours alone and are the product of your mind and soul. Nothing will be produced in its equivalence.

Do it! I support you!

Love,

Your greatest fan ~ Inner Nurturer

Note to Self ~ Self-Sabotage to the Rescue

Dear Sarah,

Aha!!! So it happened!! You were aware of change! And you were aware of the resistance to change. Because the change was for the better. And God Forbid if your life gets better. God Forbid if you become more independent, more HAPPY. OK, I’m being sarcastic. Sorry.

Let’s back up.

Dear Sarah,

I am happy. Do you know why? Because you have discovered a pattern and now that you see it, YOU CAN BLOCK IT!  You see that there is actually a choice: to take the easy path of the known or to try a new approach. Until now, there was no choice. You kept on falling into the same ruts each time because you didn’t know what was pushing you in there.

And here you have it very clearly defined: The Fear of Success pushing you, driving you, getting you down. YOU NOTICED IT! I am soooooooooo proud of you!

You know, I have heard so much about the Fear of Success and self-sabotage but honestly I didn’t know that it had anything to do with us. That was for entrepreneurs who need to work on believing that they are real and that their business idea can make it.  But for little old Sarah? Really?!

And here you have it. You were feeling so high, so ready and so grounded. You had a thought about what time management meant to you and how you can utilize time for your own advantage. You became unafraid of time. In that moment of relief and clarity, you had the meaning of time in your back pocket. Life would be great. No more shriveling up in the face of others’ demands or others’ schedules. No more unidentified flying objects coming at you from nowhere due to lack of time management. It all made sense. Boundaries and structure work hand in hand with time-keeping.

And then you were up all night. Couldn’t sleep. The next day was not a productive day. You felt blah and down. You easily could have fallen into the trap that your little fear devil was trying to lay. However, instead you didn’t get too bogged down either way. So today was not a great accomplishing day. Tomorrow will be better. The freedom you acquired from that great epiphany you had about time was not going anywhere. It is here to stay. You are not letting this back you up or put you to bed.

New opportunities have been presented to you in the past 24 hours – a yoga class at a friend’s house, a voice class…. Life is sending you messages. You can choose to move on and not get lost in the morass of self-sabotage. The negative feelings think they are serving  a purpose but in reality they are not helping you. They are just keeping things status quo.

It’s time for change. We are ready!

So excited!! Loving you so much,

Your Inner Loving Guide

 

Note to Self ~ Taking Note of Me

Dear Sarah,

I see you. I just wanted to say. I see you.

Sometimes it seems like I am so busy and disinterested, as if I am this all important executive who does not have time to notice you. Maybe I am very important. But the first person I am important to is YOU. I exist because of you, for your sake and within you. There is no separate reality that I contain or maintain. We are one.

Therefore, even though I often forget to look at you and I often forget to see  your sweet features and daily activities – I want you to know that I am committed to noticing you more. You are my purpose here and you are my celebrity and my fantasy. I only have eyes for you.

When you wake up, I’m excited. When you get dressed in the morning, I’m delighted. When you put one foot in front of the other and step into the lion’s den every day to see how hungry he is (is that a terrible analogy?!?! One day I’ll stop this negativity!!) I am right there with you, rooting for you and painting a picture of wholeness and beauty. I want your day to go swell. I want your life to be peaceful. I am there with you all day long and each time I stop to see you and notice you, I will set the intention to make it a peaceful day.

I love you and I am with you always.

Love, Inner Sarah

Twisted Pleasures 

My therapy session was about sex. I wasn’t planning on getting to that in detail but my inner guide pointed in that direction and told me that it must be dealt with. After many unhealthy sex stories were brought out into the open from both this life and a number of past lives, my therapist brought me to my current marriage. The exchange  I quoted below opened my eyes to the realization that I associate pain and abuse with a love connection and have an adverse reaction to true love connection, thinking it is pain. He said to me:

“You mentioned at the beginning of the session that every time your husband screams at you, you feel shocked all over again. You said that it’s as if  you weren’t expecting it. Why is that? What makes you so vulnerable if you know your husband  already after all these years?”

“I don’t know. I should know better.”

“So ask yourself. What makes me so vulnerable? Why do I let him just go on and on and hurt me so?”

“I’m getting – that I have a high level of absorption.”

“Still, just because you can absorb it, that doesn’t mean you should take it. Ask yourself – why do I allow myself to be so vulnerable?”

Why am I allowing myself to be so vulnerable? Because it gives you something. “I’m getting  – because it gives me something.”

“Ask – what is it that you are getting from it?”

“I don’t know what it’s saying but I feel that it’s related to sex. I’m getting something sexual but I don’t know what and it doesn’t make sense.”

“Aha. Good. Ask yourself what does it mean that you are getting something sexual out of his screaming.”

What am I getting out of the screaming? You are getting him inside of you. “Oh, I know. It’s that when he screams at me, it’s as if he has no borders and I have no borders and he is all over me and inside of me.”

“That sounds like penetration to me!”

“Oh gosh! What is wrong with me?! So I am getting some kind of sexual pleasure from him screaming at me?”

“That is what it sounds like. And that is why you allow yourself to be vulnerable. But you can turn it around. As soon as you put up a wall and do not allow him to come inside this way, he will stop it. When your energy changes, he will sense that.”

 

Note to Self ~ I Stand With You

Dear Sarah,

Today is a new day. You can stand in your power and breathe. I love you. Nothing is different about you. Your essence has not changed since that awful conversation. You are still my best friend. I love being with you and spending time with you. I love chatting with you and listenting to you. I love your buttery, silken, golden heart. I love your deep, delicate and wise words. I can sit near you all day and never get bored. You are perfect just the way you are, my friend.

Breathe. Remember that you are still as valuable as you were before. You are a cherished creation and a beautiful soul.

I am your friend and I love you.

Love,

Your best friend ~ Inner Sarah

Note to Self ~ Trees from Seeds

Dear Sarah,

Sometimes you need a reminder. You need me to tell you how WELL you are doing!

I see what you face each day. I am witness to your conscious choices. I see you tackle some experiences that come your way as if you are up for it, even ready and waiting. I realize that it is not possible to foresee what will come your way. You are neither a seer nor a saint. You are human and can only work with what is in front of you. Therefore you will be surprised at times by some experiences and you may not feel up for it.

I want you to know that I am here with you holding your hand along this journey into the unknown. Changing default responses is HUGE! I am so happy and proud to be a witness to this process.

Sarah, you never wanted to talk about your relationship with your husband. It wasn’t anything worth talking about. You have diaries full of pain and questions and most of it was about the man you are married to. I know. You don’t have to double check.

Now that you had the opportunity to talk about the dysfunction with some excellent therapists and you unearthed shattered dreams, you seem to have a  newfound strength of character. I noticed recently that you often use your mind over your heart as a default response when dealing with your husband. When the heart screams, “Oh, you stupid idiot! Not again!!” – your mind opens your mouth with “OK. Fine. I will take care of it.”

I don’t look at you as a pushover when you do this. I know it’s coming from a place of strength. You are CHOOSING not to fight. You are choosing not to tell other people what to do. You are choosing to deal with what is before you and not judge, blame or ridicule others for their decisions. And if the “other people” is your husband, then so be it. His issues and mistakes of judgment are his issues. So the part that is yours is how you will react. And you are getting that! It’s no use to judge and blame. Argh.

You know, Sarah, sometimes things are fixed. There is no changing the facts. Like last night when he told you his plans for the morning. You thought his plans were really out of touch with reality. They did not make sense for him, for you or for your household. But he wasn’t calling you to ask you for your opinion. It was late and his schedule was set. You sensed this immediately. All arrows pointed to one direction – and that was to take it and look at it like a package delivered to you and for you to make sense of. That’s not much different than a child making a senseless mess and now you have to deal with it. Your husband sometimes acts childish in an adult manner and you are left to deal with his messes.

Criticism and condemnation are awesome. They make you feel GOOD. After all, he was stupid and you’re just saying. Right?

Well, tonight I saw you react in a way that was not Condemning nor Critical AND You Were Just Saying. That’s a much better feeling, I propose. Here is another aspect of change that I have noticed recently. Not only have you learned to leave “well/unwell enough alone” 🙂 , you have learned to speak up when appropriate. For example, just tonight the conversation with your husband turned heated. I would say that it was on the spectrum of an argument. He got angry and started pulling some of his old tactics – avoidance, finger pointing and more finger pointing. ARGH. This is EXACTLY what you were scared of.

I know. You don’t have to double check. Right?

So, Sarah, I want you to know that I’m proud of you for how you reacted tonight. You were put on the defensive by virtue of the fact that your husband … is he a dh yet?…. attacked you with words. You reacted very well under the circumstances. You offered him a choice – to continue the conversation civilly or to end it right there. He didn’t like your attitude (does he ever?) BUT he stopped bickering finally. When he pulled the “it’s all your fault that our son is the way he is” card , you didn’t take it. You said “Well, I don’t accept that.” You realize that nothing is completely one person’s “fault”. And who said it’s something bad anyway, how your son turned out.

And one more thing! I am so proud of you that you took the time to explain some facts of life to your husband. That was Special! I have heard you explain concepts in detail to your children but never to your husband. You couldn’t – I know! And tonight  !!!! you actually had the ability to give analogies and use your power of speech to paint a picture for your husband. You planted within him the seed that will hopefully sprout into a beautiful and strong tree – a tree of life, one that you can hang from its branches, write under its shade and snuggle in its nest. Your nest.

Love,

Me, your loving inner guide