master of the world
hold my hand and help me breathe
become the master and father I need
pray for me when I can’t pray
stand for me when my feet sway
grant me strength and give me heart
do not leave me when I fall apart
dance for me and the future me
let me know that I will be
He hasn’t said more than two words to me since Tuesday night. Hubby, that is. And it’s Thursday night.
He is deep in his sickness- BPD.
He hasn’t given me the silent treatment for a long time and I truly was surprised to face this once again. I know he truly never healed, just his harsh symptoms subsided. Still. I thought this was behind us. I didn’t expect his bitterness and disrespect to ruin the holiday.
It’s holiday time and my husband’s bi-polar brother came for a few days. BIG trigger. Still. I expected better.
Well, well. My therapist explained to me that feeling that my husband is dead wrong for how he behaves is similar to thinking a person with fever is wrong for having high temperature. Sick is sick and so he is.
A bit of perspective always helps.
Do I have BPD on my brain?
I already do the eggshell dance with my new boss. I try to pretend he doesn’t have BPD, but I also try to avoid him. I do not quake in fear (right. who am I fooling?) and I do not hesitate to say my truth when it needs to be heard.
I know the following about him:
a- he is ultra sensitive
b- he hates imperfection
c- he preaches many things he has trouble actually practicing
d- his employees take his word as a command (or else!)
e- he is exceptionally smart and generous
f- he always is checking to see how others receive him
g- he is very quick to anger
h- he thinks he is humble while everyone who knows him thinks that he is full of himself
I can go on and on.
The way I handle it is by not engaging in drama. I try hard not to want and need his approval. I endeavor to give of myself to the company and offer a pleasant encounter with whoever I interact. I know my value and I appreciate the paycheck.
So help me.
brushed with fear
blue with cold
he filled her tears with eyes
oh, may the night please last forever
and may the sun not rise
parented by aliens
wicked pharaohs’ men
black from grime and soot and blood
black and blue
fortune shines in cloaks of old
in knights of steel and gold
she waves her arms
in telling tales
she gets her story told
I was reading an article by Gordon Tredgold related to fears in business and life. The amazing article (which can be found here) ended with a question. I decided to answer the question quickly, without thinking at all about it. I just jotted down the list. First I got a list of the bolded words below. Then I went back and added one sentence to each item. This is what I got. I think I need to speak with my therapist 😉 !!
The question is: Which fears impact you and your business the most?
The fear of being real
who am i to know what to do
of being discovered
who am i to have a say
who am i to deserve to know
will i see a return on my investment
of answering to a higher authority
what will happen if I don’t succeed
of creating something from nothing
is there really something here that nobody else yet discovered?
of loving something i cannot have
how can i want it, if i want it so much
of working for nothing
will this make any difference to anybody?
of selling myself short
my life’s a waste, no one appreciates me, it’s not worth it.
of being an imposter
they think i know what i’m talking about
of returning to dust
I was at an impasse – wanting to move forward with my relationship but not wanting to move forward. The idea of moving forward brought up so much fear that I cowered and rebelled and found myself stuck between a rock and a hard place – squirming and yet, strangely comfortable.
The reasoning was that I already came so far! I cannot do this any longer! This life here on earth… too much work!!! I had so many offerings of self-pity for myself – it actually brought me to tears many times. I just could not understand what was being asked of me and I was left feeling sorry and very lonely.
Here in this marriage relationship I very much want that we should be friends. I don’t like this living together and not living together. It’s not the way it’s supposed to be!!! something inside me screams. The other voices shout – YOU CANNOT TRUST HIM!! THE MAN DIDN’T TAKE CARE OF YOU WELL IN THE PAST AND IF YOU GO VULNERABLE ON HIM, YOU WILL GIVE HIM FUEL TO HURT YOU WITH!!
So much fear! And yet, something in me desperately wants him.
Over this past year I have differentiated and no longer feel fused to him or needy and dependent on his approval. It is a matter of trust now. There are many fears that I must work through before trust is established. I am tired of walking alone. I know that if I walk with my Higher Power, I will be guided and directed towards my dreams and vision for a successful relationship.
So like who even cares. Why do I hafta walk through this aisle of pain, shame, grief and heartache. Who asked for this? My life would’ve been fine without him and his insecurities. I refuse to be the one to do all the work. Let him show up for a change.
My Inner Complainer
The walls have expanded to fit me and my husband’s stories together. We are bound by our souls and we have some corrections to make together. I, in my attitude and behavior towards him. And he, in his attitude and behavior towards me. We need to be married to accomplish this. I need to feel isolated and ashamed to share my true feelings with him. I need to learn that it is
unfair to BOTH of us if I remain silent and keep to myself.
I need to find language to reach him with. I need to feel like I know fosure that there is someone better out there for me who life would be so much easier to live with. AND I need to decide that I am staying (which I did over here) and I am not leaving my husband for another man. I need to accept that imaginary lovers are not lovers. I need to take responsibility for my marriage’s future. Now.
I don’t want to admit that it’s NOT OK to live together but not live together. I don’t want to admit that I have a strong desire. I don’t want to admit that I have girl power.
I want to stay adamant in my defiance and prediction that this marriage has no real hope for real reconciliation. I want to stay curled up in bed waiting for magic and mystery to cast a spell and disengage me so that I don’t have to do the work.
It’s silly to think like this, though. I have no choice. Karma is strong.