Our time together has been stale
Musty with smells of yesterday
I agree that it’s been less than optimal for both of us,
Our time together,
Which can also be called
Our time apart.
For until we are done cleaning house
We will be experiencing the pains of growth
And the burden of our past lives
weighing down on us,
pushing us towards our destiny
I can’t even imagine what togetherness would look like.
Frozen in time now.
So like who even cares. Why do I hafta walk through this aisle of pain, shame, grief and heartache. Who asked for this? My life would’ve been fine without him and his insecurities. I refuse to be the one to do all the work. Let him show up for a change.
My Inner Complainer
The walls have expanded to fit me and my husband’s stories together. We are bound by our souls and we have some corrections to make together. I, in my attitude and behavior towards him. And he, in his attitude and behavior towards me. We need to be married to accomplish this. I need to feel isolated and ashamed to share my true feelings with him. I need to learn that it isunfair to BOTH of us if I remain silent and keep to myself.
I need to find language to reach him with. I need to feel like I know fosure that there is someone better out there for me who life would be so much easier to live with. AND I need to decide that I am staying (which I did over here) and I am not leaving my husband for another man. I need to accept that imaginary lovers are not lovers. I need to take responsibility for my marriage’s future. Now.
I don’t want to admit that it’s NOT OK to live together but not live together. I don’t want to admit that I have a strong desire. I don’t want to admit that I have girl power.
I want to stay adamant in my defiance and prediction that this marriage has no real hope for real reconciliation. I want to stay curled up in bed waiting for magic and mystery to cast a spell and disengage me so that I don’t have to do the work.
It’s silly to think like this, though. I have no choice. Karma is strong.
Today I was given two gifts.
1- The gift of understanding something I felt fear about. 2- The gift of a beautiful song.
I was driving alone in the car and I had about an hour to myself. Recently, while driving, I haven’t been interested in hearing podcasts or music as much as I have been interested in getting into conversation with my inner voice. When I engage with my inner voice new worlds open up for me. There is so much to learn.
Today I had a long conversation with my inner voice and I learned something phenomenal about my relationship with my husband.
I was told that I don’t have to worry about the whole intimacy factor. You see, I have been keeping to myself for almost a year now – physically, that is. I have a terrible fear of getting physical with my husband again and I have been working on it with the therapist – as there have been sexual traumas that I have been through in multiple past lives that are definitely affecting me today. Plus my husband and I have been together in past lives and we were NOT friends then. This, too, affects me today. There is fear on both sides.
I know that I’m not up to making the first move and there is an inner pressure building up that sooner or later I will have to face this issue. All this time, my husband has NOT EVEN ONCE MENTIONED the fact that we are not intimate. He hasn’t pressured me or even hinted about it. But deep down, I know that if I try to work out a better relationship with him, the next thing that comes is sex.
My inner guide told me NOT TO WORRY. I was told that my husband knows the truth deep down – that he may have to change according to who I truly am. He knows that along with improving our relationship will come my side of the story and he will have to face MY NEEDS and MY WANTS and he will have to learn about me a little bit more intimately. That is something he is not ready to face. He won’t be ready for that for another long while, I was told. He is still busy keeping himself occupied with many people who call him for help and counseling. He uses his energies and emotions on that. Dealing with Sarah – his human wife – who is undergoing the process of differentiation, is currently too overwhelming and he feels safer with me now, the way it is.
My inner guide told me that just as my husband ACCEPTED his children (or is working on accepting them) for WHO THEY ARE even though it is very hard for him, he will one day come to accept ME for who I am. And the same way he adjusted his expectations and his attitudes and behaviors towards our children (it took a lot of time for that.. but he did it) , he will also come to realize that he needs to view me as a person separate from him – with my own nature, personality, feelings and preferences.
This conversation with my inner guide may have been my first positive visualization towards a better relationship with my husband. It is showing me that in HIS TIME, with HIS SKILLS and HIS CHOICE – he will come forward to greet me. He will come forward to learn about me and he will come forward to accept me.
The second gift was this album by Cori Cole. It blew me away.
My therapy session was about sex. I wasn’t planning on getting to that in detail but my inner guide pointed in that direction and told me that it must be dealt with. After many unhealthy sex stories were brought out into the open from both this life and a number of past lives, my therapist brought me to my current marriage. The exchange I quoted below opened my eyes to the realization that I associate pain and abuse with a love connection and have an adverse reaction to true love connection, thinking it is pain. He said to me:
“You mentioned at the beginning of the session that every time your husband screams at you, you feel shocked all over again. You said that it’s as if you weren’t expecting it. Why is that? What makes you so vulnerable if you know your husband already after all these years?”
“I don’t know. I should know better.”
“So ask yourself. What makes me so vulnerable? Why do I let him just go on and on and hurt me so?”
“I’m getting – that I have a high level of absorption.”
“Still, just because you can absorb it, that doesn’t mean you should take it. Ask yourself – why do I allow myself to be so vulnerable?”
Why am I allowing myself to be so vulnerable? Because it gives you something. “I’m getting – because it gives me something.”
“Ask – what is it that you are getting from it?”
“I don’t know what it’s saying but I feel that it’s related to sex. I’m getting something sexual but I don’t know what and it doesn’t make sense.”
“Aha. Good. Ask yourself what does it mean that you are getting something sexual out of his screaming.”
What am I getting out of the screaming? You are getting him inside of you. “Oh, I know. It’s that when he screams at me, it’s as if he has no borders and I have no borders and he is all over me and inside of me.”
“That sounds like penetration to me!”
“Oh gosh! What is wrong with me?! So I am getting some kind of sexual pleasure from him screaming at me?”
“That is what it sounds like. And that is why you allow yourself to be vulnerable. But you can turn it around. As soon as you put up a wall and do not allow him to come inside this way, he will stop it. When your energy changes, he will sense that.”
My husband’s BPD has kept me on my toes. I often feel like running. Then I come back to look at his face and at my three children’s faces and I say WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?!?! Is this for real?
He’s had me walking on eggshells – and those can really hurt if you are walking barefoot. Then I just wanna shout WHO LEFT THESE DUMB EGGSHELLS ALL OVER THE PLACE??!!
He’s had me thinking that I’m flawed.
He’s had me thinking that every household in the whole world runs like clockwork, is not noisy, and is basically perfect in every way. (i.e. in the ways HE thinks are perfect.)
He’s had me thinking that he knows everything best.
He’s pointed out every flaw, real or imagined, that I have or might have or may have once possessed or may begin to possess if he does not nip it in the bud.
He’s shown me the definition of many words that I would rather not write.
His BPD has told him that buying people’s love is done via fulfilling certain duties that are measurable, countable and dispensed at very specific intervals. When love is not reciprocated via specific actions (read: compliance) his BPD immediately dismisses the person as bad and/or unfortunate.
My husband’s BPD also does this to me:
- Has me reach out to a Higher Power to show me direction and normalcy.
- Has me seek out safety and nurturing from trusted people who love me for free.
- Has me ask my many questions to professionals or guides who believe I deserve answers.
- Has me nourish myself, by myself.
- Has me learning and modeling the art of boundaries and limit setting.
- Has me more in tune to the unspoken word and fluttering of the soul.
It’s a daily adventure. Maybe I chose this. I can’t remember so far back to before I was born….They say you choose the setting for your book before you come down to Earth. This is some novel I’m living in.
for the life of me
I can’t figure out if the person
who’s driving me
is a literal
Is she encased in ice?
Or is she alive,
heart beating and loving?
I know that
and live woman
When I am still
I can sense
which one is driving
A ride with a cadaver
can be a heady experience
though I’d prefer a ride
with a living me
I’m going to love them both –
these two who
grace my bones
and allow me to
interpret their secrets
and tell their stories