master of the world
hold my hand and help me breathe
become the master and father I need
pray for me when I can’t pray
stand for me when my feet sway
grant me strength and give me heart
do not leave me when I fall apart
dance for me and the future me
let me know that I will be
I had a conversation with a woman I was interviewing to see if, as a therapist, she’d be a good match for my daughter. We discussed my husband’s BPD and I mentioned that my daughter has half a father, for all practical purposes. She then asked me if that means that I have half a husband.
This question caught me off guard. If someone would have asked me this a year ago, I would have said that I have no husband. But suddenly, I couldn’t decide how to respond. I just chuckled. When I thought about it later, I decided that I had 3/4 of a husband. I don’t have him emotionally or romantically but physically and financially he is there. Hmmm. So maybe that is half a husband. One can argue that the physical and financial part of him being there adds to the emotional stability. Arghhh.
One can also argue that not having a spouse being there for you emotionally or romantically is so demeaning and painful that it negates the other areas where he does have presence.
I believe that it all depends on the lenses with which I choose to view my world. If I am to stay married, and keep up whatever work I want to do here – it does me no good to focus on the negative and harp on what is missing. I know my husband is not doing anything with ill intentions. He is handicapped.
I am working on being less satisfied and OK with him not being available for me emotionally or romantically. I have been talking about it in therapy. Expressing my feelings and opinions there is very difficult but it sure is a cinch compared to expressing my true feelings to my husband who is a borderline personality.
I often think to myself that it is obvious that the purpose of this marriage and our time together is not for romance. It is for growth and lessons learned. I hate that sometimes. I am changing for the better because of him and I believe that he is changing for the better because of me .. although I can’t say for sure.
Time has this way of passing very slowly for me. I wish I was above and beyond time and space so I can get a measure of comfort. Sometimes I am given little hints of love that prove to me that I am not living this life alone. There is some-One out there who is looking after me.
My man is in Oz again. He hasn’t been decent for a couple of weeks now. I don’t know how to handle it. I am sad. I think the trigger is money now but before it was his bi-polar brother. He is again at it with accusing me of control – and it’s only a matter of time before he will throw the money bomb at me.
My son called him out on a flaw of his on Friday night. That set off a steam (and a stream) of insults and blaming. What my husband did was wrong and he does it all the time – space out in middle of me talking, interrupt me before I get the words out, walk off on me in middle of me talking and this time it was that he responded to me after I called his name but instead of waiting to hear what I had to say, he just started talking about an unrelated topic – as if I did not say a word and was not about to talk.
He does that. I know it’s part of his BPD. I choose to put my foot down about other flaws of his. But my son was disturbed about the way my husband disregarded me and he spoke up. All he said was “You realize Ma just called your name and you said Yes and then you went on to talk about something else.”
Last night in bed he started his rant about how he will look for a new life, and a way to get free from me and his wife and family will respect him. Instead of just being quiet or asking him not to speak that way, I told him that if he starts again he will have the same problems with someone else. He is not going for help or facing his problems and emotions. “I have been in therapy for almost three years, I said. What about you?!”
He didn’t reply.
I had another victory with this conversation as compared to previous ones where he used to bash me. I didn’t take it. I said to him that his language is despicable. I have a lot to say but I don’t think it’s nice. We can talk, we can discuss things but pointing fingers is not the way to do it. I told him I believe we have potential for our relationship and if he would like we can discuss it with a professional.
He fell asleep promptly after that. This morning, he’s talking about $100 cash he has for me. He’s a bitter, sad person. Something is up with him. I think I will fill up pill boxes with Vitamin B and C and Calcium… stuff to calm his nervous system.
He hasn’t said more than two words to me since Tuesday night. Hubby, that is. And it’s Thursday night.
He is deep in his sickness- BPD.
He hasn’t given me the silent treatment for a long time and I truly was surprised to face this once again. I know he truly never healed, just his harsh symptoms subsided. Still. I thought this was behind us. I didn’t expect his bitterness and disrespect to ruin the holiday.
It’s holiday time and my husband’s bi-polar brother came for a few days. BIG trigger. Still. I expected better.
Well, well. My therapist explained to me that feeling that my husband is dead wrong for how he behaves is similar to thinking a person with fever is wrong for having high temperature. Sick is sick and so he is.
A bit of perspective always helps.
Do I have BPD on my brain?
I already do the eggshell dance with my new boss. I try to pretend he doesn’t have BPD, but I also try to avoid him. I do not quake in fear (right. who am I fooling?) and I do not hesitate to say my truth when it needs to be heard.
I know the following about him:
a- he is ultra sensitive
b- he hates imperfection
c- he preaches many things he has trouble actually practicing
d- his employees take his word as a command (or else!)
e- he is exceptionally smart and generous
f- he always is checking to see how others receive him
g- he is very quick to anger
h- he thinks he is humble while everyone who knows him thinks that he is full of himself
I can go on and on.
The way I handle it is by not engaging in drama. I try hard not to want and need his approval. I endeavor to give of myself to the company and offer a pleasant encounter with whoever I interact. I know my value and I appreciate the paycheck.
So help me.
brushed with fear
blue with cold
he filled her tears with eyes
oh, may the night please last forever
and may the sun not rise
parented by aliens
wicked pharaohs’ men
black from grime and soot and blood
black and blue
fortune shines in cloaks of old
in knights of steel and gold
she waves her arms
in telling tales
she gets her story told
I was reading an article by Gordon Tredgold related to fears in business and life. The amazing article (which can be found here) ended with a question. I decided to answer the question quickly, without thinking at all about it. I just jotted down the list. First I got a list of the bolded words below. Then I went back and added one sentence to each item. This is what I got. I think I need to speak with my therapist 😉 !!
The question is: Which fears impact you and your business the most?
The fear of being real
who am i to know what to do
of being discovered
who am i to have a say
who am i to deserve to know
will i see a return on my investment
of answering to a higher authority
what will happen if I don’t succeed
of creating something from nothing
is there really something here that nobody else yet discovered?
of loving something i cannot have
how can i want it, if i want it so much
of working for nothing
will this make any difference to anybody?
of selling myself short
my life’s a waste, no one appreciates me, it’s not worth it.
of being an imposter
they think i know what i’m talking about
of returning to dust