It Wasn’t My Idea of Marriage 

So like who even cares. Why do I hafta walk through this aisle of pain, shame, grief and heartache. Who asked for this? My life would’ve been fine without him and his insecurities. I refuse to be the one to do all the work. Let him show up for a change. 

My Inner Complainer

The walls have expanded to fit me and my husband’s stories together. We are bound by our souls and we have some corrections to make together. I, in my attitude and behavior towards him. And he, in his attitude and behavior towards me. We need to be married to accomplish this. I need to feel isolated and ashamed to share my true feelings with him. I need to learn that it is unfair to BOTH of us if I remain silent and keep to myself. 

I need to find language to reach him with. I need to feel like I know fosure that there is someone better out there for me who life would be so much easier to live with. AND I need to decide that I am staying (which I did over here) and I am not leaving my husband for another man. I need to accept that imaginary lovers are not lovers. I need to take responsibility for my marriage’s future. Now. 

I don’t want to admit that it’s NOT OK to live together but not live together. I don’t want to admit that I have a strong desire. I don’t want to admit that I have girl power. 

I want to stay adamant in my defiance and prediction that this marriage has no real hope for real reconciliation. I want to stay curled up in bed waiting for magic and mystery to cast a spell and disengage me so that I don’t have to do the work. 

It’s silly to think like this, though. I have no choice. Karma is strong.  

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Prayer and Pleasure

I have given thought recently to the lack of formal prayer in my life. As a religious person AND a spiritual person, I speak to God many times during the day. However, one thing that has confused me is that no matter what, I cannot bring myself to get any scripted prayers out of my mouth. It is very, very difficult. I go blank and I freeze.

I know that once I start, I do actually enjoy it and I feel very connected to God. The problem I have is with starting.

In therapy, I explored possible reasons for my not being able to pray. I know that  my schooling and my childhood did not help me in this matter at all. Very religious people can sometimes skew religion and prayer to keep people far away from God. I definitely experienced this in my past.

However, more than that, I was asked to think about what stops me from allowing myself to enjoy life. I did not understand what this had to do with prayer. My therapist explained that I enjoy the prayers very much – I feel high and in a state of loving union with God when praying. It is apparent that I do not allow myself to get into this space for some reason.

I need to think about this some more. I will ask God to show me the next right step towards finding the space in me that allows me to connect to God in prayer. I know my life will be significantly better once I do that.