Whenever ~ A Poem 

I wrote this poem (below) from a place of pain and sadness. Recently, I was reminded of it while listening to Cari Cole’s Whenever The Time Is Now. Her song brings me great comfort.  She puts a very positive spin on the word “Whenever”.

Whenever

Aching,
fixating on my
pain,
I scrawl
in my
script of
yearning and
waiting.

Wanting.

And I wait,
will wait
til whenever,
‘cause I have
no clue
how to make
whenever
happen earlier.

I need whenever
now.

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Admitting Powerfulness

In 12 step programs we admit to powerlessness but sometimes it is necessary to admit to being powerful. What do I mean?

I am a powerful human being. My actions and words have effects on others and the world. What I do is indeed important. Whether or not I believe that I am important is not important because at the end of the day, if I hurt or help someone – I get the credit or the blame. I must take responsibility.

Tonight I felt the impact of my powerfulness as I was once again reminded that I am real. I have a tendency to go “invisible” in social situations. I lose sight of myself – I feel that I don’t count, that no one will notice whether or not I attended a party, made the call or the visit. I very easily sign out of life thinking that it won’t make much of a difference.

Well, well – I was in for a surprise! I was the recipient of a cold shoulder and frozen eyes from the hostess of a wedding I attended. I did not think she would care either way whether or not I attended the entire party or whether or not I called her to congratulate her on the engagement. I had been wrapped up in my sorrows these past few months and did not want to come out of my bubble. I just wanted to come to part of the wedding and share her joy and dance with her. But she was not satisfied with that. Obviously, something about my behavior had bothered her and she made it known to me.

I actually didn’t know that I was in her picture. I had always felt invisible in her story but I guess that I am not. My feeling invisible does not make me invisible. It does not exonerate me from keeping up social duties and attending functions.

This is the second time I was hit with the impact of my powerfulness. It is good to get a reminder once in a while that I must be careful with my behavior. My therapist has been trying to tell me for a while now that I am more powerful than I think. I have to embrace my power, not be afraid of it and allow myself to shine in a way that increases joy and connection.


God, please open for me the door

show me what’s in store

heal for me my soul

pull me back into the whole

shine for me the light

so that I can learn

that it is not night

where my longing lies

it is in the brightness of the sun

the forgiving and giving

in the platitude of simplicity

that I am utterly

and solely

alive.

It’s My Anniversary

I had been blocking this anniversary out of my mind so I would not have to face the idea that I’ve been doing this jig for 22 years already. It was not in my radar; I didn’t see it coming. Yesterday morning I slept in and was feeling so, so lousy (emotionally, that is). I didn’t want to face the day and let my mind wander and feelings loose. I came to this conclusion below – wrote it out in the form of a song/poem and then … yesterday afternoon my husband reminds me that it’s our anniversary. He set aside an hour for me and would I be interested?

Ahhh. Life’s too interesting.

So here’s my new decision:

I’m Gonna Stay

I’ve had mind to bow
and mind to bolt
I’ve had mind
to leave you
in my revolt

I’ve had time to think
and time to rest
and I’ve had the time to tame
the tempest

I have my mind
made up now

I’m gonna stay
with you
I’m gonna stay

I’m gonna stay
with you
I’m gonna stay

I’ll mind my own store
while I’m waiting for you
I’ll keep myself busy and happy too

I could wait. I could wait a bit longer.

I’ve had mind to run
I’ve had mind to dart
I’ve had mind to listen
to the callings of
heart

I had time to ponder
I had time to rescue
I’ve had the time to think
about you

I have my mind
made up now

I’m gonna stay

I’m gonna stay
I’m gonna stay
with you
I’m gonna stay with you
I will mind my own store
I will keep myself happy, busy for
as long as you need
I’ll take care of me
while I wait for you
I made up my mind

I’m gonna stay with you

Visualizing a Better Future

My counselor told me the other day that the main thing I have to work on now is to use visualization to imagine a better life with my husband. I really have to decide -If I want a future with him, I need to visualize a future with him. Otherwise, I need to start visualizing a future without him.

For me, keeping my family intact is a very high value. I believe that divorce will terribly impact the children. I know that in a marriage of 20 years, what is one or two  more years of transition time as we both learn who we are, what we need and how we differ? Differentiation is an important and integral part of marriage. The tangles of codependency  need to unravel. I need to learn that I am a great human being by virtue of being a human being. And my Borderline Personality husband needs to learn that he can manage full well without using me as his personal secretary, bookkeeper, accountant, and mistress. From a safe place, we can recover our true personalities and feelings and reconnect in a more mature and positive way.

I can write some blog posts called Note to Future Self. There are many parts of my life that I can visualize into a better future. It will be a challenge. It might be fun. I will try.

Into the Hollow ~ A Poem

Here is a poem I found among my writings that was written three years ago. This is the first time I’m sharing it. Enjoy!

if you punch someone with words
then no matter what you say afterwards
it will go into the hollow you made
get burned up like toast
shrivel and disconnect

you must help the hollow disappear
you must come from behind
and give a very good massage
sometimes it takes a day or two for the pain to be relieved

and it’s not nice to expect
the victim of your pain-
ful words
to suddenly stand up and pretend that nothing at all happened

because as humans
our memories are longer than our feet
and our feelings , though not facts, are dangerously real

we need to be true to ourselves and not pretend.
I don’t pretend.
I don’t know about you.
stop punching me and you’ll know how it feels
to have a happy wife.

Note to Self ~ Taking Note of Me

Dear Sarah,

I see you. I just wanted to say. I see you.

Sometimes it seems like I am so busy and disinterested, as if I am this all important executive who does not have time to notice you. Maybe I am very important. But the first person I am important to is YOU. I exist because of you, for your sake and within you. There is no separate reality that I contain or maintain. We are one.

Therefore, even though I often forget to look at you and I often forget to see  your sweet features and daily activities – I want you to know that I am committed to noticing you more. You are my purpose here and you are my celebrity and my fantasy. I only have eyes for you.

When you wake up, I’m excited. When you get dressed in the morning, I’m delighted. When you put one foot in front of the other and step into the lion’s den every day to see how hungry he is (is that a terrible analogy?!?! One day I’ll stop this negativity!!) I am right there with you, rooting for you and painting a picture of wholeness and beauty. I want your day to go swell. I want your life to be peaceful. I am there with you all day long and each time I stop to see you and notice you, I will set the intention to make it a peaceful day.

I love you and I am with you always.

Love, Inner Sarah

Pleasure Feeding Praise

So, I was telling my counselor about my new daily dual practice of giving my Borderline husband one sincere compliment a day and of giving myself one intentional pleasurable experience per day.

She pointed out something very profound about these two practices. She said that the practice of praising and building my spouse is very important and helpful. When he feels good about himself, he can function better in all areas – as a husband, father and person among persons. A problem can arise if I am coming from a place of lack and feel drained. I won’t have the energy to give that sincere praise and point out his positives and I may create a negative cycle of focusing on the negative and feeling down.

When I nurture myself and find ways to fill myself daily with legitimate pleasures that I enjoy – it fills me with positive energy and builds me. I then can give to my husband from a place of abundance and overflow.

I am happy that I have been able to keep things open and flowing between us through this daily practice. One thing at a time. One day at a time.