Smoothies for (my) Breakfast

I made a delicious smoothie for Yoni, my youngest son, this morning. It’s the easiest, best-tasting  breakfast to prepare when dashing out the door.

I got Yoni’s leftovers.

We BOTH left the house the same time.

I am the Carpool Driver. And the Smoothie Maker.

Would it DAWN on me – EVER – (well, it did. After the fact.) to make myself a smoothie at the same time that I was making Yoni’s? I could have easily doubled the recipe and presto! A smoothie for two! No extra work required!

But it was only walking down the steps to the car, wondering what I would grab for breakfast, trying to get Yoni to school on time … it was only then that I realized how I have cut myself off from my own reality.

I got into my car to drive Yoni and I promised myself that I would not forget myself again like that.

I live inside this body. I exist. I am real.

I will not nullify myself anymore.

I must make amends to the Sarah inside who wants to be counted in.

She has folded herself up so many times, and has pressed herself flat so as not to take up  space in the world around her. It is not necessary. In fact, it is wrong. It hinders her from reaching her goals and from using her G-d-given powers and talents. The world needs you, Sarah.

And the world needs every single one of us.

Here’s to smoothies for a better tomorrow!

~ Paid for By Sarah for Sarah 🙂

 

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The Weather, The Borderline and Me

After living for so long with the vacuum-like “hoovering” of my Borderline Personality husband, my sense of reality shifts until I don’t know anymore what the weather is outside.

How am I to know what the weather is today if I can’t step out to feel?

I have lost contact with my community of friends and family. Neighbors are people who live in houses around me. My car takes me faithfully to work and back. Back is the hard part. Who wants to enter a crazy house?

And yet, it’s all I have known for so many years.

My husband is a high functioning BP. He throws it all at me. The pitiful not-put-together wife. The one who can’t manage. And can’t get up in the morning. The inept human.

Also, the villain, the witch, the control freak and … you-name-it.

My husband is so robotic that sometimes I feel like punching him so I can see some blood and attest to the fact that a heart does beat inside.

His heart is hidden under dissociation and fear.

I still miss my family and friends. And secretly (hard to admit this) I still miss my husband – the one who will actualize his potential.

I still plan on entering a profession that I love and that utilizes my talents.

I try to walk outside every day to feel the weather and soak in the sun. If it’s not sun, then rain. If it’s not rain, then fog. If it’s not fog, then clouds. So long as there’s weather.

And me!