Update – BPD and He

So, it’s been rough. And it’s been better recently. Hubby is learning to read his own reactions (many times). He is learning to wait before reacting. He is learning to look back and think if he could have responded better. Yeah! It’s true. 

He didn’t go for therapy and we never had a direct conversation about what can use improvement (on his part, of course!). He is slowly, ever so slowly returning to some kind of peaceful place that I never knew existed inside of him. 

The other day we were rushing to prepare for guests who were due to arrive in a few hours. I asked my husband if he can do a task that he usually does not mind doing. I fully expected him to say Sure! and dutifully oblige. He mostly acts out of duty, not feeling. Yet, this time he responded that he really is feeling lazy and would rather do it later. For me this was a tremendous breakthrough. He has always seemed like a robot to me when performing acts of kindness or even obligations. Here, he was showing a human side. How refreshing!

I am still really lonely and haven’t found in me a fountain of love for him. However, I know that there is enough magic behind me to warrant magic ahead of me. And I love magic.

(And mentalism.)

Advertisements

May What Was Done to Me, Not be Done to You ~ Poem

brushed with fear
blue with cold
he filled her tears with eyes
oh, may the night please last forever
and may the sun not rise
parented by aliens
wicked pharaohs’ men
black from grime and soot and blood
black and blue
again
fortune shines in cloaks of old
in knights of steel and gold
she waves her arms
in telling tales
she gets her story told

It Wasn’t My Idea of Marriage 

So like who even cares. Why do I hafta walk through this aisle of pain, shame, grief and heartache. Who asked for this? My life would’ve been fine without him and his insecurities. I refuse to be the one to do all the work. Let him show up for a change. 

My Inner Complainer

The walls have expanded to fit me and my husband’s stories together. We are bound by our souls and we have some corrections to make together. I, in my attitude and behavior towards him. And he, in his attitude and behavior towards me. We need to be married to accomplish this. I need to feel isolated and ashamed to share my true feelings with him. I need to learn that it is unfair to BOTH of us if I remain silent and keep to myself. 

I need to find language to reach him with. I need to feel like I know fosure that there is someone better out there for me who life would be so much easier to live with. AND I need to decide that I am staying (which I did over here) and I am not leaving my husband for another man. I need to accept that imaginary lovers are not lovers. I need to take responsibility for my marriage’s future. Now. 

I don’t want to admit that it’s NOT OK to live together but not live together. I don’t want to admit that I have a strong desire. I don’t want to admit that I have girl power. 

I want to stay adamant in my defiance and prediction that this marriage has no real hope for real reconciliation. I want to stay curled up in bed waiting for magic and mystery to cast a spell and disengage me so that I don’t have to do the work. 

It’s silly to think like this, though. I have no choice. Karma is strong.  

Still Wanting a Husband-Friend

I wish the friend I wished for, would turn out to be my husband…

This song I composed for myself this summer has been playing in my head recently. It pretty much sums up the funk I’m in.

 

I wish I had a friend who I can share my life with
I wish I had a friend who I can share my love with
I wish I had a friend who I can share my soul with
I wish I had a friend
I wish I had a friend

I could sit in therapists’ offices
I can sit behind the rabbi’s desk
I can pout and blame and then I’ll tell everyone
That I’m sad and mad and really depressed

And after that I would just run away
Yeah!
Run away

I’ve been running away for so many years
But only talking the talk, and not walking the walk
Should I run away?
Should I run away?
And if I run away, with whom shall I play?

I want a friend now.

 

 

 

 

What Does It Take to Change? ~ Poem

but for the pain
I feel
I carry
but for the load I bear

I would not feel
or know the truth
hidden
from me

but for the trickle of hope
I feel
but for outlandish
pain
but for the outcast, the student of loss
but for the current of shame

I would not hear
the songs in my ear
I would not have the urge
to change

I would not feel
or know the truth
hidden
from me

Whenever ~ A Poem 

I wrote this poem (below) from a place of pain and sadness. Recently, I was reminded of it while listening to Cari Cole’s Whenever The Time Is Now. Her song brings me great comfort.  She puts a very positive spin on the word “Whenever”.

Whenever

Aching,
fixating on my
pain,
I scrawl
in my
script of
yearning and
waiting.

Wanting.

And I wait,
will wait
til whenever,
‘cause I have
no clue
how to make
whenever
happen earlier.

I need whenever
now.