May What Was Done to Me, Not be Done to You ~ Poem

brushed with fear
blue with cold
he filled her tears with eyes
oh, may the night please last forever
and may the sun not rise
parented by aliens
wicked pharaohs’ men
black from grime and soot and blood
black and blue
again
fortune shines in cloaks of old
in knights of steel and gold
she waves her arms
in telling tales
she gets her story told

It Wasn’t My Idea of Marriage 

So like who even cares. Why do I hafta walk through this aisle of pain, shame, grief and heartache. Who asked for this? My life would’ve been fine without him and his insecurities. I refuse to be the one to do all the work. Let him show up for a change. 

My Inner Complainer

The walls have expanded to fit me and my husband’s stories together. We are bound by our souls and we have some corrections to make together. I, in my attitude and behavior towards him. And he, in his attitude and behavior towards me. We need to be married to accomplish this. I need to feel isolated and ashamed to share my true feelings with him. I need to learn that it is unfair to BOTH of us if I remain silent and keep to myself. 

I need to find language to reach him with. I need to feel like I know fosure that there is someone better out there for me who life would be so much easier to live with. AND I need to decide that I am staying (which I did over here) and I am not leaving my husband for another man. I need to accept that imaginary lovers are not lovers. I need to take responsibility for my marriage’s future. Now. 

I don’t want to admit that it’s NOT OK to live together but not live together. I don’t want to admit that I have a strong desire. I don’t want to admit that I have girl power. 

I want to stay adamant in my defiance and prediction that this marriage has no real hope for real reconciliation. I want to stay curled up in bed waiting for magic and mystery to cast a spell and disengage me so that I don’t have to do the work. 

It’s silly to think like this, though. I have no choice. Karma is strong.  

Still Wanting a Husband-Friend

I wish the friend I wished for, would turn out to be my husband…

This song I composed for myself this summer has been playing in my head recently. It pretty much sums up the funk I’m in.

 

I wish I had a friend who I can share my life with
I wish I had a friend who I can share my love with
I wish I had a friend who I can share my soul with
I wish I had a friend
I wish I had a friend

I could sit in therapists’ offices
I can sit behind the rabbi’s desk
I can pout and blame and then I’ll tell everyone
That I’m sad and mad and really depressed

And after that I would just run away
Yeah!
Run away

I’ve been running away for so many years
But only talking the talk, and not walking the walk
Should I run away?
Should I run away?
And if I run away, with whom shall I play?

I want a friend now.

 

 

 

 

What Does It Take to Change? ~ Poem

but for the pain
I feel
I carry
but for the load I bear

I would not feel
or know the truth
hidden
from me

but for the trickle of hope
I feel
but for outlandish
pain
but for the outcast, the student of loss
but for the current of shame

I would not hear
the songs in my ear
I would not have the urge
to change

I would not feel
or know the truth
hidden
from me

Whenever ~ A Poem 

I wrote this poem (below) from a place of pain and sadness. Recently, I was reminded of it while listening to Cari Cole’s Whenever The Time Is Now. Her song brings me great comfort.  She puts a very positive spin on the word “Whenever”.

Whenever

Aching,
fixating on my
pain,
I scrawl
in my
script of
yearning and
waiting.

Wanting.

And I wait,
will wait
til whenever,
‘cause I have
no clue
how to make
whenever
happen earlier.

I need whenever
now.

Can Life Get Better?

Dear Me,

Dear Me!

Can this be?!

What in the world is going on?

My life is getting better and I am finding the function of my blog beginning to change.

I don’t want to accept myself or my BP husband right now. I just want to BE HAPPY.

I want to stop living in the Journey, the Struggle, and the Long Walk towards acceptance.

I want to live in the NOW. Right here – where I live right now. I want to enjoy my home. I want to enjoy the children. I want to enjoy my food. I want to enjoy myself. I want to enjoy giving. I want to enjoy speaking my truth. And I want to acknowledge – right here, right now – that the gift of intuition has made itself known to me and for that I am so grateful.

I have been able to check in with my inner wisdom for advice and it is giving me so much confidence and joy. I am living on a plane of existence that I did not know was possible for me. My husband is trusting me more and I am afraid of him less. We are beginning to spend happy time together and I am very hopeful.

🙂

Admitting Powerfulness

In 12 step programs we admit to powerlessness but sometimes it is necessary to admit to being powerful. What do I mean?

I am a powerful human being. My actions and words have effects on others and the world. What I do is indeed important. Whether or not I believe that I am important is not important because at the end of the day, if I hurt or help someone – I get the credit or the blame. I must take responsibility.

Tonight I felt the impact of my powerfulness as I was once again reminded that I am real. I have a tendency to go “invisible” in social situations. I lose sight of myself – I feel that I don’t count, that no one will notice whether or not I attended a party, made the call or the visit. I very easily sign out of life thinking that it won’t make much of a difference.

Well, well – I was in for a surprise! I was the recipient of a cold shoulder and frozen eyes from the hostess of a wedding I attended. I did not think she would care either way whether or not I attended the entire party or whether or not I called her to congratulate her on the engagement. I had been wrapped up in my sorrows these past few months and did not want to come out of my bubble. I just wanted to come to part of the wedding and share her joy and dance with her. But she was not satisfied with that. Obviously, something about my behavior had bothered her and she made it known to me.

I actually didn’t know that I was in her picture. I had always felt invisible in her story but I guess that I am not. My feeling invisible does not make me invisible. It does not exonerate me from keeping up social duties and attending functions.

This is the second time I was hit with the impact of my powerfulness. It is good to get a reminder once in a while that I must be careful with my behavior. My therapist has been trying to tell me for a while now that I am more powerful than I think. I have to embrace my power, not be afraid of it and allow myself to shine in a way that increases joy and connection.


God, please open for me the door

show me what’s in store

heal for me my soul

pull me back into the whole

shine for me the light

so that I can learn

that it is not night

where my longing lies

it is in the brightness of the sun

the forgiving and giving

in the platitude of simplicity

that I am utterly

and solely

alive.