Silent Treatment 

He hasn’t said more than two words to me since Tuesday night. Hubby, that is. And it’s Thursday night.

He is deep in his sickness- BPD.

He hasn’t given me the silent treatment for a long time and I truly was surprised to face this once again. I know he truly never healed, just his harsh symptoms subsided. Still. I thought this was behind us. I didn’t expect his bitterness and disrespect to ruin the holiday. 

It’s holiday time and my husband’s bi-polar brother came for a few days. BIG trigger. Still. I expected better. 

Well, well. My therapist explained to me that feeling that my husband is dead wrong for how he behaves is similar to thinking a person with fever is wrong for having high temperature. Sick is sick and so he is.  

A bit of perspective always helps.

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May What Was Done to Me, Not be Done to You ~ Poem

brushed with fear
blue with cold
he filled her tears with eyes
oh, may the night please last forever
and may the sun not rise
parented by aliens
wicked pharaohs’ men
black from grime and soot and blood
black and blue
again
fortune shines in cloaks of old
in knights of steel and gold
she waves her arms
in telling tales
she gets her story told

Fears in Business and Life

I was reading an article by Gordon Tredgold related to fears in business and life. The amazing article (which can be found here) ended with a question. I decided to answer the question quickly, without thinking at all about it. I just jotted down the list. First I got a list of the bolded words below. Then I went back and added one sentence to each item. This is what I got. I think I need to speak with my therapist 😉 !!

The question is: Which fears impact you and your business the most?

The fear of being real

       who am i to know what to do 

of being discovered 

       who am i to have a say

of knowledge 

       who am i to deserve to know 

of giving 

        will i see a return on my investment 

of answering to a higher authority 

         what will happen if I don’t succeed 

of creating something from nothing 

           is there really something here that nobody else yet discovered?

of loving something i cannot have

          how can i want it, if i want it so much 

of working for nothing 

          will this make any difference to anybody?

of selling myself short 

          my life’s a waste, no one appreciates me, it’s not worth it. 

of being an imposter 

           they think i know what i’m talking about 

of returning to dust

          why bother. 

Prayer and Pleasure

I have given thought recently to the lack of formal prayer in my life. As a religious person AND a spiritual person, I speak to God many times during the day. However, one thing that has confused me is that no matter what, I cannot bring myself to get any scripted prayers out of my mouth. It is very, very difficult. I go blank and I freeze.

I know that once I start, I do actually enjoy it and I feel very connected to God. The problem I have is with starting.

In therapy, I explored possible reasons for my not being able to pray. I know that  my schooling and my childhood did not help me in this matter at all. Very religious people can sometimes skew religion and prayer to keep people far away from God. I definitely experienced this in my past.

However, more than that, I was asked to think about what stops me from allowing myself to enjoy life. I did not understand what this had to do with prayer. My therapist explained that I enjoy the prayers very much – I feel high and in a state of loving union with God when praying. It is apparent that I do not allow myself to get into this space for some reason.

I need to think about this some more. I will ask God to show me the next right step towards finding the space in me that allows me to connect to God in prayer. I know my life will be significantly better once I do that.

Note to Self ~ Morning Pages

Dear Sarah,

Good Morning! I am so happy to have this opportunity to communicate with you. Today I wanted to talk about the morning pages. I know that you feel that it’s not going to figure into your recovery the way that therapy does or a 12 Step Program does. You may not ever use these morning pages to write a book or to get your artist out. However, you will use them to become the best you possible. To spill the brain onto the page and to let it go is so important! I know that you are just at the beginning of your journey into a great big unknown where you will need as much courage as you can get. If you take 15 minutes to get your morning pages done, I am sure that you will see a big difference in your day. Your happiness level will change. These pages are yours alone and are the product of your mind and soul. Nothing will be produced in its equivalence.

Do it! I support you!

Love,

Your greatest fan ~ Inner Nurturer

How Does Happy Feel

I’m working on my self. Not on my husband. I’m working on my ability to connect with myself. I am working on my ability to be happy.

What would it take for me to be happy?

I had a dream. I was lost in a neighborhood I knew so well. The streets were predictable, like a grid with numbers and letters. There was no way I could have gotten lost. Yet, a set of streets with an overpass sprung up in middle of the intersection, criss-crossing the avenue. I had no idea how to continue. I stopped a woman in the street to ask for directions. She was pushing a baby carriage. She told me how to get to my destination. I looked in the direction she was pointing to but I was sure that I would get lost. It just didn’t look right.

As part of my dream interpretation session with my therapist, he asked me to become the street. When I became the overpass – it was great. I hung out on top, watching the hullabaloo beneath me. Then he asked me to go down and become those new streets that came up and it was really very dizzying. When my therapist asked me to become that lady, I resisted and said it was impossible. She was happy! And I am not. He said that since she was in my dream, she really is a part of me so I can become her. I had to put on her body and her clothing and see what it felt like to be her.

This experience was a great eye-opener for me. I did not know that being in a happy body actually felt like a punishment! I managed to get into her from head to midriff. It hurt too much to even get down to her waist. Me and happiness seem not to be compatible.

And here I have been claiming to be on the path to happiness. And that is all I want in life?!?!? What in the world is going on?

When asked by my therapist to explain this, the answer I got from an inner voice was that if I indeed became “happy”, I would lose the chance to be around support people and I would have to be on my own. I am holding on to whatever dysfunction I can just in order to maintain my connections with the great people I am in touch with for support.

My therapist assured me that they will still be there for me even if I have nothing to complain about. He also said that I don’t have to create blocks for myself (like plunking down a set of streets where none existed before). There were enough challenges in daily living that would pop up in the course of my life, without my help.

It is not fun to find out such kinds of things about myself. But it is fun to know that there may be secret blocks to my full-capacity living. Once uncovered, I am free to move on and try on the rest of the body of happiness.

Admitting Powerfulness

In 12 step programs we admit to powerlessness but sometimes it is necessary to admit to being powerful. What do I mean?

I am a powerful human being. My actions and words have effects on others and the world. What I do is indeed important. Whether or not I believe that I am important is not important because at the end of the day, if I hurt or help someone – I get the credit or the blame. I must take responsibility.

Tonight I felt the impact of my powerfulness as I was once again reminded that I am real. I have a tendency to go “invisible” in social situations. I lose sight of myself – I feel that I don’t count, that no one will notice whether or not I attended a party, made the call or the visit. I very easily sign out of life thinking that it won’t make much of a difference.

Well, well – I was in for a surprise! I was the recipient of a cold shoulder and frozen eyes from the hostess of a wedding I attended. I did not think she would care either way whether or not I attended the entire party or whether or not I called her to congratulate her on the engagement. I had been wrapped up in my sorrows these past few months and did not want to come out of my bubble. I just wanted to come to part of the wedding and share her joy and dance with her. But she was not satisfied with that. Obviously, something about my behavior had bothered her and she made it known to me.

I actually didn’t know that I was in her picture. I had always felt invisible in her story but I guess that I am not. My feeling invisible does not make me invisible. It does not exonerate me from keeping up social duties and attending functions.

This is the second time I was hit with the impact of my powerfulness. It is good to get a reminder once in a while that I must be careful with my behavior. My therapist has been trying to tell me for a while now that I am more powerful than I think. I have to embrace my power, not be afraid of it and allow myself to shine in a way that increases joy and connection.


God, please open for me the door

show me what’s in store

heal for me my soul

pull me back into the whole

shine for me the light

so that I can learn

that it is not night

where my longing lies

it is in the brightness of the sun

the forgiving and giving

in the platitude of simplicity

that I am utterly

and solely

alive.