Letting Go of Wanting to Control Him

Tonight, feeling the gravity of my situation, and feeling terribly trapped, I willed my husband a quick and easy death. I reasoned that if the process would go smoothly, it would be the easiest way for me to be free.

Divorcing him would be so ugly. He is a fighter, a complainer, and a blamer. He is a manipulator and narcissist. He is not in touch with reality and I fear the backlash.

It was not the first time I let my mind wander to such a place.

Praying and wishing for my husband to die is a form of wanting to control another person.

When I realized that I needed an alternative wish, I said the Serenity Prayer –

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change

Courage to change the things I can

And wisdom to know the difference.

If I learned anything yet in my life, it is that it is impossible to change another person.

As much as I  want to blame my stuff on the other’s behavior, it still leaves just myself that I can change.

What needs change in me?

I can be more assertive and set better limits. I can be more active and invested in my own recovery. I can work on getting out of victim mode. I can get as much support as I need.

I sense within me a burning desire and burning anger. The simultaneous feelings of wanting to be happy and wanting my husband dead – they really cannot co-exist.

If my mind is focused on wanting him dead, it is in the Controlling frame of mind.

And if my mind is in the desire-to- be-happy state, it is in the Receiving state of mind.

A controlling frame of mind is useful for just one thing – making me feel horrid and out of control.

When I seek true happiness, I can accomplish great things and be open to expansion.

When I take tiny steps, even half-baby-steps, towards serenity, joy, fun, and pleasure – I build confidence in my own abilities. This gives me energy to take further steps to increase my joy in this life.

Where my marriage is headed remains to be seen.

I need to remember that when I avoid facing the feelings and the facts, it doesn’t do me any good. Pretending to myself that I am happy when I am sad, causes me terrible anguish. On the other hand, living in a state of sadness is extremely painful.

I am learning how to balance my load. Perhaps there are some packages that I can get off my back. The first one, I guess, would be wishing my husband dead. That is one package I can leave to the One who Created him.

Just tonight I heard my husband whispering to G-d to save him.

I wonder if we share the same G-d.

If we do, then I need some alone time with Him.

There is a lot to discuss.

 

Getting Real about Finances – Part 1

I count the times I notice my husband’s dysfunction with money. For years and years I have superimposed a dream husband on top of the actual one. The dream husband is capable and level-headed. He can manage multiple bank accounts and credit card payments, loan repayments, monthly and daily expenses. He juggles the finances, and much as his father was an economist, so is he able to foresee expenses and budget for them.

However, the reality is totally different. My husband’s father may have had been a doctor of economics but he did not leave anything for his children when he passed away. Every investment he made went bad and the family suffered the consequences. There is a very good chance that my husband’s father had BPD, too.

My husband loses his stuff all the time. Checks are one of the things he misplace most often. He is constantly looking for one envelope or another. His mind is as confused as his body – which is never relaxed and constantly twitching.

He is not balanced with finances and bill payments. He has gone for weeks without giving me or the children any spending money. He cannot foresee when there will be a dry period. And then, when he finally gets paid, he spends it all in one week and is super generous with the family. But when there is no money, he gets all riled up if someone buys themselves a donut.

There is no way to know what our financial situation is. The children are confused. I am left without and always blamed by my BP husband.

He is guilty of domestic theft, too. He has told the children on more than one occasion that he is taking money from their private savings  accounts in order to pay some large bills. He acts as though he is asking them but the children know that if they put up a fuss, it will all just come back to them. He will start the blame game for making him work so hard to support the family…. and who wants to be blamed for their parent’s financial misfortunes?

When I hear him talking to outsiders about the cost of living and everyday expenses, I realize that he knows perfectly well which expenses are normal and expected. However, when it comes to his own family, he acts like we are living in the 1800s and we are supposed to get by on nickels and dimes.

Since my husband must always be right, and everything is either black or white in his eyes, I cannot have a normal conversation with him. If I initiate any discussion regarding spending or budgeting,  I become an instant target for a deluge (or dumping) of blame and rage.

I am learning not to depend on my husband for financial support. I must build my independence. I had enough of hiding, pretending and suffocating. There is vitality and hope and abundance out there.

G-d is my Employer and I turn to Him for comfort and support.

In Part 2 I will write more about my skewed perception of my husband’s abilities and  address the question: if this dysfunction existed throughout my marriage, why did it take me 20 years to take note of the facts. 

 

Smoothies for (my) Breakfast

I made a delicious smoothie for Yoni, my youngest son, this morning. It’s the easiest, best-tasting  breakfast to prepare when dashing out the door.

I got Yoni’s leftovers.

We BOTH left the house the same time.

I am the Carpool Driver. And the Smoothie Maker.

Would it DAWN on me – EVER – (well, it did. After the fact.) to make myself a smoothie at the same time that I was making Yoni’s? I could have easily doubled the recipe and presto! A smoothie for two! No extra work required!

But it was only walking down the steps to the car, wondering what I would grab for breakfast, trying to get Yoni to school on time … it was only then that I realized how I have cut myself off from my own reality.

I got into my car to drive Yoni and I promised myself that I would not forget myself again like that.

I live inside this body. I exist. I am real.

I will not nullify myself anymore.

I must make amends to the Sarah inside who wants to be counted in.

She has folded herself up so many times, and has pressed herself flat so as not to take up  space in the world around her. It is not necessary. In fact, it is wrong. It hinders her from reaching her goals and from using her G-d-given powers and talents. The world needs you, Sarah.

And the world needs every single one of us.

Here’s to smoothies for a better tomorrow!

~ Paid for By Sarah for Sarah 🙂

 

What is Love?

Here’s a thought provoking quote by Dr. Lissa Rankin, author of The Fear Cure and Mind Over Medicine.

My new definition of love includes both soul growth and refuge. “Love is having the courage to push the limits of soul growth in oneself and another while comforting the scared, triggered inner child, so she feels safe enough to let down her armor.”

Excerpted from : http://www.lissarankin.com

Do you agree?

The Weather, The Borderline and Me

After living for so long with the vacuum-like “hoovering” of my Borderline Personality husband, my sense of reality shifts until I don’t know anymore what the weather is outside.

How am I to know what the weather is today if I can’t step out to feel?

I have lost contact with my community of friends and family. Neighbors are people who live in houses around me. My car takes me faithfully to work and back. Back is the hard part. Who wants to enter a crazy house?

And yet, it’s all I have known for so many years.

My husband is a high functioning BP. He throws it all at me. The pitiful not-put-together wife. The one who can’t manage. And can’t get up in the morning. The inept human.

Also, the villain, the witch, the control freak and … you-name-it.

My husband is so robotic that sometimes I feel like punching him so I can see some blood and attest to the fact that a heart does beat inside.

His heart is hidden under dissociation and fear.

I still miss my family and friends. And secretly (hard to admit this) I still miss my husband – the one who will actualize his potential.

I still plan on entering a profession that I love and that utilizes my talents.

I try to walk outside every day to feel the weather and soak in the sun. If it’s not sun, then rain. If it’s not rain, then fog. If it’s not fog, then clouds. So long as there’s weather.

And me!