Our time together has been stale
Musty with smells of yesterday
I agree that it’s been less than optimal for both of us,
Our time together,
Which can also be called
Our time apart.
For until we are done cleaning house
We will be experiencing the pains of growth
And the burden of our past lives
weighing down on us,
pushing us towards our destiny
I can’t even imagine what togetherness would look like.
Frozen in time now.
I was at an impasse – wanting to move forward with my relationship but not wanting to move forward. The idea of moving forward brought up so much fear that I cowered and rebelled and found myself stuck between a rock and a hard place – squirming and yet, strangely comfortable.
The reasoning was that I already came so far! I cannot do this any longer! This life here on earth… too much work!!! I had so many offerings of self-pity for myself – it actually brought me to tears many times. I just could not understand what was being asked of me and I was left feeling sorry and very lonely.
Here in this marriage relationship I very much want that we should be friends. I don’t like this living together and not living together. It’s not the way it’s supposed to be!!! something inside me screams. The other voices shout – YOU CANNOT TRUST HIM!! THE MAN DIDN’T TAKE CARE OF YOU WELL IN THE PAST AND IF YOU GO VULNERABLE ON HIM, YOU WILL GIVE HIM FUEL TO HURT YOU WITH!!
So much fear! And yet, something in me desperately wants him.
Over this past year I have differentiated and no longer feel fused to him or needy and dependent on his approval. It is a matter of trust now. There are many fears that I must work through before trust is established. I am tired of walking alone. I know that if I walk with my Higher Power, I will be guided and directed towards my dreams and vision for a successful relationship.
So like who even cares. Why do I hafta walk through this aisle of pain, shame, grief and heartache. Who asked for this? My life would’ve been fine without him and his insecurities. I refuse to be the one to do all the work. Let him show up for a change.
My Inner Complainer
The walls have expanded to fit me and my husband’s stories together. We are bound by our souls and we have some corrections to make together. I, in my attitude and behavior towards him. And he, in his attitude and behavior towards me. We need to be married to accomplish this. I need to feel isolated and ashamed to share my true feelings with him. I need to learn that it is
unfair to BOTH of us if I remain silent and keep to myself.
I need to find language to reach him with. I need to feel like I know fosure that there is someone better out there for me who life would be so much easier to live with. AND I need to decide that I am staying (which I did over here) and I am not leaving my husband for another man. I need to accept that imaginary lovers are not lovers. I need to take responsibility for my marriage’s future. Now.
I don’t want to admit that it’s NOT OK to live together but not live together. I don’t want to admit that I have a strong desire. I don’t want to admit that I have girl power.
I want to stay adamant in my defiance and prediction that this marriage has no real hope for real reconciliation. I want to stay curled up in bed waiting for magic and mystery to cast a spell and disengage me so that I don’t have to do the work.
It’s silly to think like this, though. I have no choice. Karma is strong.
I wish the friend I wished for, would turn out to be my husband…
This song I composed for myself this summer has been playing in my head recently. It pretty much sums up the funk I’m in.
I wish I had a friend who I can share my life with
I wish I had a friend who I can share my love with
I wish I had a friend who I can share my soul with
I wish I had a friend
I wish I had a friend
I could sit in therapists’ offices
I can sit behind the rabbi’s desk
I can pout and blame and then I’ll tell everyone
That I’m sad and mad and really depressed
And after that I would just run away
I’ve been running away for so many years
But only talking the talk, and not walking the walk
Should I run away?
Should I run away?
And if I run away, with whom shall I play?
I want a friend now.
but for the pain
but for the load I bear
I would not feel
or know the truth
but for the trickle of hope
but for outlandish
but for the outcast, the student of loss
but for the current of shame
I would not hear
the songs in my ear
I would not have the urge
I would not feel
or know the truth
I have given thought recently to the lack of formal prayer in my life. As a religious person AND a spiritual person, I speak to God many times during the day. However, one thing that has confused me is that no matter what, I cannot bring myself to get any scripted prayers out of my mouth. It is very, very difficult. I go blank and I freeze.
I know that once I start, I do actually enjoy it and I feel very connected to God. The problem I have is with starting.
In therapy, I explored possible reasons for my not being able to pray. I know that my schooling and my childhood did not help me in this matter at all. Very religious people can sometimes skew religion and prayer to keep people far away from God. I definitely experienced this in my past.
However, more than that, I was asked to think about what stops me from allowing myself to enjoy life. I did not understand what this had to do with prayer. My therapist explained that I enjoy the prayers very much – I feel high and in a state of loving union with God when praying. It is apparent that I do not allow myself to get into this space for some reason.
I need to think about this some more. I will ask God to show me the next right step towards finding the space in me that allows me to connect to God in prayer. I know my life will be significantly better once I do that.
Something interesting has been happening at home recently. We began a date-night ritual which, for us, consists of a 45 min. – 1 hr. outing. It is not a romantic date. It is just a time for us to go out and take care of a small errand that we don’t find stressful and we catch up with each other at the same time. There are no heavy-duty conversations. So far (we did this 4 times) my BP has not used this time to one-up me, blame me, complain or rant. This, my friends, is a MIRACLE!
After the first week that he offered to go out with me, I thanked him for it. I told him how much I enjoyed the small outing. I mentioned how much I enjoyed it one more time during the week and asked him if he’d have time for me the following week, as well. He said “Let’s make it into a ritual!” I was happy to hear that he enjoyed it as well.
This past week we were not able to go out together on the usual night so we made a rain-date. On the night of our rain-date, we realized that my youngest son would be home alone and very bored. We both felt that it would be the right thing to invite him along with us. My son was glad to come along and get out. We ended up going for pizza and relaxing.
This is also a breakthrough for my BP hubby. He usually tries to get possessive with me. This means that if he has me for himself he gets extremely upset if a child encroaches on his time or space. This has caused him to act in a very insensitive manner towards the children in the past. I believe that there is a time and place for everything and balance and sensitivity are of supreme importance. It was truly a sign of progress that he realized that sometimes it is correct to break from routine EVEN at a time that I was technically “his”.
I hope to keep reporting progress here!