Poem borne of Pain

master of the world

hold my hand and help me breathe

become the master and father I need

pray for me when I can’t pray

stand for me when my feet sway

grant me strength and give me heart

do not leave me when I fall apart

dance for me and the future me

let me know that I will be

okay

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Vitamin Surprise

I see a marked difference since I filled the pill boxes with vitamins and he started on them. It’s 11 days and he is nicer- the overall bitterness and nastiness is now gone. He is still a kvetch but nothing close to the sharp-around-the-edges porcupine he had been 2-3 weeks prior. 

My husband has high blood pressure and at one point wanted to try vitamins. I had a kinesiologist test for him exactly what he needed. He took the vitamins for a few days before quitting and I still have a 3 month supply. Those vitamins are excellent for the nervous system. 

This is the first time he took supplements directly related to stress on a steady basis. It’s 7 vitamins 2x a day. I am very grateful that it’s gotten this far and that I have seen a difference in him. 

There are just some things you can’t control. (Hint: second to -1)

Marriage, BPD and Me

My man is in Oz again. He hasn’t been decent for a couple of weeks now. I don’t know how to handle it. I am sad. I think the trigger is money now but before it was his bi-polar brother. He is again at it with accusing me of control – and it’s only a matter of time before he will throw the money bomb at me.

My son called him out on a flaw of his on Friday night. That set off a steam (and a stream) of insults and blaming. What my husband did was wrong and he does it all the time – space out in middle of me talking, interrupt me before I get the words out, walk off on me in middle of me talking and this time it was that he responded to me after I called his name but instead of waiting to hear what I had to say, he just started talking about an unrelated topic – as if I did not say a word and was not about to talk.

He does that. I know it’s part of his BPD. I choose to put my foot down about other flaws of his. But my son was disturbed about the way my husband disregarded me and he spoke up. All he said was “You realize Ma just called your name and you said Yes and then you went on to talk about something else.”

Last night in bed he started his rant about how he will look for a new life, and a way to get free from me and his wife and family will respect him. Instead of just being quiet or asking him not to speak that way, I told him that if he starts again he will have the same problems with someone else. He is not going for help or facing his problems and emotions. “I have been in therapy for almost three years, I said. What about you?!”

He didn’t reply.

I had another victory with this conversation as compared to previous ones where he used to bash me. I didn’t take it. I said to him that his language is despicable. I have a lot to say but I don’t think it’s nice. We can talk, we can discuss things but pointing fingers is not the way to do it. I told him I believe we have potential for our relationship and if he would like we can discuss it with a professional.

He fell asleep promptly after that. This morning, he’s talking about $100 cash he has for me. He’s a bitter, sad person. Something is up with him. I think I will fill up pill boxes with Vitamin B and C and Calcium… stuff to calm his nervous system.

 

Silent Treatment 

He hasn’t said more than two words to me since Tuesday night. Hubby, that is. And it’s Thursday night.

He is deep in his sickness- BPD.

He hasn’t given me the silent treatment for a long time and I truly was surprised to face this once again. I know he truly never healed, just his harsh symptoms subsided. Still. I thought this was behind us. I didn’t expect his bitterness and disrespect to ruin the holiday. 

It’s holiday time and my husband’s bi-polar brother came for a few days. BIG trigger. Still. I expected better. 

Well, well. My therapist explained to me that feeling that my husband is dead wrong for how he behaves is similar to thinking a person with fever is wrong for having high temperature. Sick is sick and so he is.  

A bit of perspective always helps.

May What Was Done to Me, Not be Done to You ~ Poem

brushed with fear
blue with cold
he filled her tears with eyes
oh, may the night please last forever
and may the sun not rise
parented by aliens
wicked pharaohs’ men
black from grime and soot and blood
black and blue
again
fortune shines in cloaks of old
in knights of steel and gold
she waves her arms
in telling tales
she gets her story told

Frozen In Time 

Our time together has been stale

Musty with smells of yesterday 

I agree that it’s been less than optimal for both of us,

Our time together,

Which can also be called 

Our time apart. 

For until we are done cleaning house 

We will be experiencing the pains of growth 

And the burden of our past lives 

weighing down on us, 

pushing us towards our destiny 

of togetherness. 

I can’t even imagine what togetherness would look like. 

Frozen in time now. 

Walking Alone

I was at an impasse – wanting to move forward with my relationship but not wanting to move forward. The idea of moving forward brought up so much fear that I cowered and rebelled and found myself stuck between a rock and a hard place – squirming and yet, strangely comfortable.

The reasoning was that I already came so far! I cannot do this any longer! This life here on earth… too much work!!! I had so many offerings of self-pity for myself – it actually brought me to tears many times. I just could not understand what was being asked of me and I was left feeling sorry and very lonely.

Here in this marriage relationship I very much want that we should be friends. I don’t like this living together and not living together. It’s not the way it’s supposed to be!!! something inside me screams. The other voices shout – YOU CANNOT TRUST HIM!! THE MAN DIDN’T TAKE CARE OF YOU WELL IN THE PAST AND IF YOU GO VULNERABLE ON HIM, YOU WILL GIVE HIM FUEL TO HURT YOU WITH!!

So much fear! And yet, something in me desperately wants him.

Over this past year I have differentiated and no longer feel fused to him or needy and dependent on his approval. It is a matter of trust now. There are many fears that I must work through before trust is established. I am tired of walking alone. I know that if I walk with my Higher Power, I will be guided and directed towards my dreams and vision for a successful relationship.