Poem borne of Pain

master of the world

hold my hand and help me breathe

become the master and father I need

pray for me when I can’t pray

stand for me when my feet sway

grant me strength and give me heart

do not leave me when I fall apart

dance for me and the future me

let me know that I will be

okay

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Frozen In Time 

Our time together has been stale

Musty with smells of yesterday 

I agree that it’s been less than optimal for both of us,

Our time together,

Which can also be called 

Our time apart. 

For until we are done cleaning house 

We will be experiencing the pains of growth 

And the burden of our past lives 

weighing down on us, 

pushing us towards our destiny 

of togetherness. 

I can’t even imagine what togetherness would look like. 

Frozen in time now. 

Walking Alone

I was at an impasse – wanting to move forward with my relationship but not wanting to move forward. The idea of moving forward brought up so much fear that I cowered and rebelled and found myself stuck between a rock and a hard place – squirming and yet, strangely comfortable.

The reasoning was that I already came so far! I cannot do this any longer! This life here on earth… too much work!!! I had so many offerings of self-pity for myself – it actually brought me to tears many times. I just could not understand what was being asked of me and I was left feeling sorry and very lonely.

Here in this marriage relationship I very much want that we should be friends. I don’t like this living together and not living together. It’s not the way it’s supposed to be!!! something inside me screams. The other voices shout – YOU CANNOT TRUST HIM!! THE MAN DIDN’T TAKE CARE OF YOU WELL IN THE PAST AND IF YOU GO VULNERABLE ON HIM, YOU WILL GIVE HIM FUEL TO HURT YOU WITH!!

So much fear! And yet, something in me desperately wants him.

Over this past year I have differentiated and no longer feel fused to him or needy and dependent on his approval. It is a matter of trust now. There are many fears that I must work through before trust is established. I am tired of walking alone. I know that if I walk with my Higher Power, I will be guided and directed towards my dreams and vision for a successful relationship.

What Does It Take to Change? ~ Poem

but for the pain
I feel
I carry
but for the load I bear

I would not feel
or know the truth
hidden
from me

but for the trickle of hope
I feel
but for outlandish
pain
but for the outcast, the student of loss
but for the current of shame

I would not hear
the songs in my ear
I would not have the urge
to change

I would not feel
or know the truth
hidden
from me

Prayer and Pleasure

I have given thought recently to the lack of formal prayer in my life. As a religious person AND a spiritual person, I speak to God many times during the day. However, one thing that has confused me is that no matter what, I cannot bring myself to get any scripted prayers out of my mouth. It is very, very difficult. I go blank and I freeze.

I know that once I start, I do actually enjoy it and I feel very connected to God. The problem I have is with starting.

In therapy, I explored possible reasons for my not being able to pray. I know that  my schooling and my childhood did not help me in this matter at all. Very religious people can sometimes skew religion and prayer to keep people far away from God. I definitely experienced this in my past.

However, more than that, I was asked to think about what stops me from allowing myself to enjoy life. I did not understand what this had to do with prayer. My therapist explained that I enjoy the prayers very much – I feel high and in a state of loving union with God when praying. It is apparent that I do not allow myself to get into this space for some reason.

I need to think about this some more. I will ask God to show me the next right step towards finding the space in me that allows me to connect to God in prayer. I know my life will be significantly better once I do that.

Note to Self ~ Morning Pages

Dear Sarah,

Good Morning! I am so happy to have this opportunity to communicate with you. Today I wanted to talk about the morning pages. I know that you feel that it’s not going to figure into your recovery the way that therapy does or a 12 Step Program does. You may not ever use these morning pages to write a book or to get your artist out. However, you will use them to become the best you possible. To spill the brain onto the page and to let it go is so important! I know that you are just at the beginning of your journey into a great big unknown where you will need as much courage as you can get. If you take 15 minutes to get your morning pages done, I am sure that you will see a big difference in your day. Your happiness level will change. These pages are yours alone and are the product of your mind and soul. Nothing will be produced in its equivalence.

Do it! I support you!

Love,

Your greatest fan ~ Inner Nurturer

The Gift of Knowledge

Today I was given two gifts.

1- The gift of understanding something I felt fear about. 2- The gift of a beautiful song.

I was driving alone in the car and I had about an hour to myself. Recently, while driving, I haven’t been interested in hearing podcasts or music as much as I have been interested in getting into conversation with my inner voice. When I engage with my inner voice new worlds open up for me. There is so much to learn.

Today I had a long conversation with my inner voice and I learned something phenomenal about my relationship with my husband.

I was told that I don’t have to worry about the whole intimacy factor. You see, I have been keeping to myself for almost a year now – physically, that is. I have a terrible fear of getting physical with my husband again and I have been working on it with the therapist – as there have been sexual traumas that I have been through in multiple past lives that are definitely affecting me today. Plus my husband and I have been together in past lives and we were NOT friends then. This, too, affects me today. There is fear on both sides.

I know that I’m not up to making the first move and  there is an inner pressure building up that sooner or later I will have to face this issue. All this time, my husband has NOT EVEN ONCE MENTIONED the fact that we are not intimate. He hasn’t pressured me or even hinted about it. But deep down, I know that if I try to work out a better relationship with him, the next thing that comes is sex.

My inner guide told me NOT TO WORRY. I was told that my husband knows the truth deep down – that he may have to change according to who I truly am. He knows that along with improving our relationship will come my side of the story and he will have to face MY NEEDS and MY WANTS and he will have to learn about me a little bit more intimately. That is something he is not ready to face. He won’t be ready for that for another long while, I was told. He is still busy keeping himself occupied with many people who call him for help and counseling. He uses his energies and emotions on that. Dealing with Sarah – his human wife – who is undergoing the process of differentiation, is currently too overwhelming and he feels safer with me now, the way it is.

My inner guide told me that just as my husband ACCEPTED his children (or is working on accepting them) for WHO THEY ARE even though it is very hard for him, he will one day come to accept ME for who I am. And the same way he adjusted his expectations and his attitudes and behaviors towards our children (it took a lot of time for that.. but he did it) , he will also come to realize that he needs to view me as a person separate from him – with my own nature, personality, feelings and preferences.

This conversation with my inner guide may have been my first positive visualization towards a better relationship with my husband. It is showing me that in HIS TIME, with HIS SKILLS and HIS CHOICE – he will come forward to greet me. He will come forward to learn about me and he will come forward to accept me.

Amen.

The second gift was this  album by Cori Cole. It blew me away.