It Wasn’t My Idea of Marriage

So like who even cares. Why do I hafta walk through this aisle of pain, shame, grief and heartache. Who asked for this? My life would’ve been fine without him and his insecurities. I refuse to be the one to do all the work. Let him show up for a change. 

My Inner Complainer

The walls have expanded to fit me and my husband’s stories together. We are bound by our souls and we have some corrections to make together. I, in my attitude and behavior towards him. And he, in his attitude and behavior towards me. We need to be married to accomplish this. I need to feel isolated and ashamed to share my true feelings with him. I need to learn that it is unfair to BOTH of us if I remain silent and keep to myself. 

I need to find language to reach him with. I need to feel like I know fosure that there is someone better out there for me who life would be so much easier to live with. AND I need to decide that I am staying (which I did over here) and I am not leaving my husband for another man. I need to accept that imaginary lovers are not lovers. I need to take responsibility for my marriage’s future. Now. 

I don’t want to admit that it’s NOT OK to live together but not live together. I don’t want to admit that I have a strong desire. I don’t want to admit that I have girl power. 

I want to stay adamant in my defiance and prediction that this marriage has no real hope for real reconciliation. I want to stay curled up in bed waiting for magic and mystery to cast a spell and disengage me so that I don’t have to do the work. 

It’s silly to think like this, though. I have no choice. Karma is strong.  

Can Life Get Better?

Dear Me,

Dear Me!

Can this be?!

What in the world is going on?

My life is getting better and I am finding the function of my blog beginning to change.

I don’t want to accept myself or my BP husband right now. I just want to BE HAPPY.

I want to stop living in the Journey, the Struggle, and the Long Walk towards acceptance.

I want to live in the NOW. Right here – where I live right now. I want to enjoy my home. I want to enjoy the children. I want to enjoy my food. I want to enjoy myself. I want to enjoy giving. I want to enjoy speaking my truth. And I want to acknowledge – right here, right now – that the gift of intuition has made itself known to me and for that I am so grateful.

I have been able to check in with my inner wisdom for advice and it is giving me so much confidence and joy. I am living on a plane of existence that I did not know was possible for me. My husband is trusting me more and I am afraid of him less. We are beginning to spend happy time together and I am very hopeful.

🙂

It’s My Anniversary

I had been blocking this anniversary out of my mind so I would not have to face the idea that I’ve been doing this jig for 22 years already. It was not in my radar; I didn’t see it coming. Yesterday morning I slept in and was feeling so, so lousy (emotionally, that is). I didn’t want to face the day and let my mind wander and feelings loose. I came to this conclusion below – wrote it out in the form of a song/poem and then … yesterday afternoon my husband reminds me that it’s our anniversary. He set aside an hour for me and would I be interested?

Ahhh. Life’s too interesting.

So here’s my new decision:

I’m Gonna Stay

I’ve had mind to bow
and mind to bolt
I’ve had mind
to leave you
in my revolt

I’ve had time to think
and time to rest
and I’ve had the time to tame
the tempest

I have my mind
made up now
—
I’m gonna stay
with you
I’m gonna stay

I’m gonna stay
with you
I’m gonna stay

I’ll mind my own store
while I’m waiting for you
I’ll keep myself busy and happy too

I could wait. I could wait a bit longer.
—
I’ve had mind to run
I’ve had mind to dart
I’ve had mind to listen
to the callings of
heart

I had time to ponder
I had time to rescue
I’ve had the time to think
about you

I have my mind
made up now
—
I’m gonna stay

I’m gonna stay

I’m gonna stay

with you

I’m gonna stay with you

I will mind my own store

I will keep myself happy, busy for

as long as you need

I’ll take care of me

while I wait for you

I made up my mind

I’m gonna stay with you

The Gift of Knowledge

Today I was given two gifts.

1- The gift of understanding something I felt fear about. 2- The gift of a beautiful song.

I was driving alone in the car and I had about an hour to myself. Recently, while driving, I haven’t been interested in hearing podcasts or music as much as I have been interested in getting into conversation with my inner voice. When I engage with my inner voice new worlds open up for me. There is so much to learn.

Today I had a long conversation with my inner voice and I learned something phenomenal about my relationship with my husband.

I was told that I don’t have to worry about the whole intimacy factor. You see, I have been keeping to myself for almost a year now – physically, that is. I have a terrible fear of getting physical with my husband again and I have been working on it with the therapist – as there have been sexual traumas that I have been through in multiple past lives that are definitely affecting me today. Plus my husband and I have been together in past lives and we were NOT friends then. This, too, affects me today. There is fear on both sides.

I know that I’m not up to making the first move and  there is an inner pressure building up that sooner or later I will have to face this issue. All this time, my husband has NOT EVEN ONCE MENTIONED the fact that we are not intimate. He hasn’t pressured me or even hinted about it. But deep down, I know that if I try to work out a better relationship with him, the next thing that comes is sex.

My inner guide told me NOT TO WORRY. I was told that my husband knows the truth deep down – that he may have to change according to who I truly am. He knows that along with improving our relationship will come my side of the story and he will have to face MY NEEDS and MY WANTS and he will have to learn about me a little bit more intimately. That is something he is not ready to face. He won’t be ready for that for another long while, I was told. He is still busy keeping himself occupied with many people who call him for help and counseling. He uses his energies and emotions on that. Dealing with Sarah – his human wife – who is undergoing the process of differentiation, is currently too overwhelming and he feels safer with me now, the way it is.

My inner guide told me that just as my husband ACCEPTED his children (or is working on accepting them) for WHO THEY ARE even though it is very hard for him, he will one day come to accept ME for who I am. And the same way he adjusted his expectations and his attitudes and behaviors towards our children (it took a lot of time for that.. but he did it) , he will also come to realize that he needs to view me as a person separate from him – with my own nature, personality, feelings and preferences.

This conversation with my inner guide may have been my first positive visualization towards a better relationship with my husband. It is showing me that in HIS TIME, with HIS SKILLS and HIS CHOICE – he will come forward to greet me. He will come forward to learn about me and he will come forward to accept me.

Amen.

The second gift was this  album by Cori Cole. It blew me away.

What is Love?

If I wanted to visualize a better future with my BP husband, what would I choose to start with? A scenario? Dialogue? An image? What would I see that is more aligned with what I want?

Maybe a lingering feeling of love. As if love is not a dirty word.

If love were not a dirty word, how would it manifest itself in my life?

In therapy, I discovered that my mother’s aversion to the word “love” was very deep. She felt it was too American and not a nice word. My father could not bring himself to say “I love you”. Instead, he would say “I like you”. Imagine that.

My friend keeps reminding me to read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Perhaps reading the book would get me started towards my journey to find out what true love is.

My love roots are very weak. Feeling deserving of love, feeling God’s love, and opening myself up to true love may be the first step towards this goal of visualizing a better future with my spouse. If I don’t know what true love means, how can I expect to find it in my life?