Note to Self ~ Self-Sabotage to the Rescue

Dear Sarah,

Aha!!! So it happened!! You were aware of change! And you were aware of the resistance to change. Because the change was for the better. And God Forbid if your life gets better. God Forbid if you become more independent, more HAPPY. OK, I’m being sarcastic. Sorry.

Let’s back up.

Dear Sarah,

I am happy. Do you know why? Because you have discovered a pattern and now that you see it, YOU CAN BLOCK IT!  You see that there is actually a choice: to take the easy path of the known or to try a new approach. Until now, there was no choice. You kept on falling into the same ruts each time because you didn’t know what was pushing you in there.

And here you have it very clearly defined: The Fear of Success pushing you, driving you, getting you down. YOU NOTICED IT! I am soooooooooo proud of you!

You know, I have heard so much about the Fear of Success and self-sabotage but honestly I didn’t know that it had anything to do with us. That was for entrepreneurs who need to work on believing that they are real and that their business idea can make it.  But for little old Sarah? Really?!

And here you have it. You were feeling so high, so ready and so grounded. You had a thought about what time management meant to you and how you can utilize time for your own advantage. You became unafraid of time. In that moment of relief and clarity, you had the meaning of time in your back pocket. Life would be great. No more shriveling up in the face of others’ demands or others’ schedules. No more unidentified flying objects coming at you from nowhere due to lack of time management. It all made sense. Boundaries and structure work hand in hand with time-keeping.

And then you were up all night. Couldn’t sleep. The next day was not a productive day. You felt blah and down. You easily could have fallen into the trap that your little fear devil was trying to lay. However, instead you didn’t get too bogged down either way. So today was not a great accomplishing day. Tomorrow will be better. The freedom you acquired from that great epiphany you had about time was not going anywhere. It is here to stay. You are not letting this back you up or put you to bed.

New opportunities have been presented to you in the past 24 hours – a yoga class at a friend’s house, a voice class…. Life is sending you messages. You can choose to move on and not get lost in the morass of self-sabotage. The negative feelings think they are serving  a purpose but in reality they are not helping you. They are just keeping things status quo.

It’s time for change. We are ready!

So excited!! Loving you so much,

Your Inner Loving Guide

 

Into the Hollow ~ A Poem

Here is a poem I found among my writings that was written three years ago. This is the first time I’m sharing it. Enjoy!

if you punch someone with words
then no matter what you say afterwards
it will go into the hollow you made
get burned up like toast
shrivel and disconnect

you must help the hollow disappear
you must come from behind
and give a very good massage
sometimes it takes a day or two for the pain to be relieved

and it’s not nice to expect
the victim of your pain-
ful words
to suddenly stand up and pretend that nothing at all happened

because as humans
our memories are longer than our feet
and our feelings , though not facts, are dangerously real

we need to be true to ourselves and not pretend.
I don’t pretend.
I don’t know about you.
stop punching me and you’ll know how it feels
to have a happy wife.

Balanced Reporting on the BPD Ravages

I REALLY REALLY want to complain right now. His BPD keeps on shocking me. Like, why? I KNOW that he is not well. The trick is that he SEEMS SOOOO NORMAL. It was so much easier when he was just sick in bed for two years straight with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. At least I knew he was sick. Then he picked this “get-out-of-bed-free” card that got him on his feet for the next twenty years, non-stop. He left me behind in our old house somewhere between the bok choy and the miso soup. Or was it the tempeh and the ginger tea?

I was his cook, companion and darling. I was his whole world. Sometimes he would play with our baby and give her so much attention that I wished I were her. But most of the time, it was just us two. His life depended on me, literally (so it seemed), and I made the most of it.

But once he was back on his feet, he walked out of my life and it has been that way since then.

THE BALANCED REPORTING BEGINS HERE:

1. My DEAR BORDERLINE PERSONALITY HUSBAND woke me up this Saturday as I had overslept. He came near the bed and called my name. This is the first time in 20 years that his voice came through my consciousness sounding sweet. I usually cringe when he talks to me in the morning. I try to avoid him at all costs. If I am up while he is dressing to leave the house in the morning, I pretend I’m asleep. His voice really irks me. Especially when all he does is complain, brag or blame. Yeah. really. Like the sound of fingernails on a chalkboard… And here, it was really sweet. That’s the only word that I can think of. I don’t know why it was that way, but so it was.
2. We had a meeting with my son’s principal. Before the meeting my husband told me to “just sit there” while he talks to the principal. I said “Thank you very much!” in a joking way and just laughed it off. (A year ago, I would have been fuming.) Then we had a nice meeting; it was just a getting to know you meeting as it is my son’s first year in this school. I spoke naturally and comfortably, without being wary of the BPdh. Miracle! There were absolutely no repercussions. I did not hear from my husband about all the problems I caused with my words. It was over. Of course, I can’t predict when he will use my words against me. It can be in a year from now and he’ll repeat verbatim everything I said in that meeting. BUT FOR NOW – I have not heard from him. In the past, as soon as the door to the building would be half-closed behind us, he would launch into his “stupid-wife / stupid-mother” speech.

 

Thank God for small mercies.

Pleasure Feeding Praise

So, I was telling my counselor about my new daily dual practice of giving my Borderline husband one sincere compliment a day and of giving myself one intentional pleasurable experience per day.

She pointed out something very profound about these two practices. She said that the practice of praising and building my spouse is very important and helpful. When he feels good about himself, he can function better in all areas – as a husband, father and person among persons. A problem can arise if I am coming from a place of lack and feel drained. I won’t have the energy to give that sincere praise and point out his positives and I may create a negative cycle of focusing on the negative and feeling down.

When I nurture myself and find ways to fill myself daily with legitimate pleasures that I enjoy – it fills me with positive energy and builds me. I then can give to my husband from a place of abundance and overflow.

I am happy that I have been able to keep things open and flowing between us through this daily practice. One thing at a time. One day at a time.

Air – Can’t Live Without It

Here is a poem I wrote recently that begins with breath, cycles to love and ends with God. In this quest for normalcy and balance, I find myself reaching to a power Greater than myself. I am surprised by what I allow myself to crave.

———

breathing happens stoically
against resistance
utilizing whatever breathable air is left
and turning itself into a steady machine
of oxygen recycling
and I

yearn to be at one with the love around me and find a rhythm to this breath
where I can experience the push and pull of life
praying that it be imperceptible, much like
the motion of breathing
as a natural being in a natural state of being

my life force will forever be attracted to the
efficient flow of love from one to the next
and if an unnatural twist of events formulates and a pool of love remains hidden from sight
I will sniff it out and locate it in order to stretch the love out into focus and use it

the unthinking mind craves love too
the thinking mind often confuses love for lust
and the revulsed mind pretends it needs not any love
the upset mind creates fantasies that can carry the love forever
and the mind that lifts itself above the static electricity of a quiet dysfunctional hidden force
and proclaims its love of love and its need
for love
will still seek and yet find the true shining love
in an endearing reunion
with clarity and understanding

but not without the strangulation of a near death experience that
marked the beginning of a new method of breathing
no longer gasping and shoving the air deep into the lungs

it became a soulful experience where the air crept silently with
a gust of life entering cavities and blowing minds with
the unthinkable

Almighty God

Course Instructions

Here is what my daughter’s instructor told her at the start of her online course – Design Bootcamp. I gained so much inspiration from it and have applied it to the bootcamp called LIFE! Enjoy!

There is no failing in this course. 

It’s all about practice & repetition.

Looking, exploring, practice & repetition.

Storing knowledge & then recall.

No expectations.

This bootcamp (LIFE) is all about learning with a group of like minded folks who pass no judgement.

If you stumble, no worries. Get up at your own pace & move forward.

There are no wrong ideas. Design (LIFE) is all about diversity & exploration.

It’s going to be a blast. Remember to have fun first.

We are all here to help each other.

Shoulds and Shoulders

I have been noticing that my shoulders are super stiff. Sometimes I take the time to relax them, and a moment later they go right back up to the defensive position. I feel as though I have rods inside, holding up my arms because the shoulders are cut off.

My shoulders are unfeeling. They may not make the mistake of feeling and possibly tripping up.  An analogy would be – an oil jug that is plugged and sealed. It is impossible to reach the oil unless you either open the seal or crack open the jug. In my case, my shoulders are tightly closed. I have tried to pry open the cover so I can reach its contents. My shoulders are angry. They are full of shoulds and musts.I may have to crack the jug open to find out what’s there.

At times I feel that my shoulders are holding up my body for no good reason. My body is fine lying down for good and giving up the fight. This has been a long journey and no peace, my friend, no peace.

Smart people use what there is to find their way around. And I get stuck  in the here and the now. It’s dark, so it’s dark.  I stay put and wait for a savior. That’s all I can do. I would wait til forever for someone else to put the lights on.

My hurt and pain is so great. My safest course of action is to stay put.

Perhaps I can examine this go-to reaction of staying put and see if I can do better.

In some areas of my life, I love spontaneity. I constantly change the menu and the schedule.  I love when things change, like the seasons. It shouldn’t be so difficult for me to get used to

a change of thinking

a change of attitude

a change of maneuvers.

Are my life anchors in danger of being displaced?  Perhaps I am just rusty and conditioned to this position? Do I need to defend my position as though my life depends on it – as the Japanese holdouts who never were aware that their country surrendered ending WWII and insisted on defending the Emperor to death?

Hmmm… sounds like it.

I can tell my inner child that it’s safe to come out. No one is looking for her. Her country surrendered. The game of hide and seek is over.

I can explore with her other options to hiding and biting. We can be seen. in public,  with clothes on and our hair brushed, with our cellphone and car. We can explore all possibilities. We can allow ourselves to be guided. We can use our intuition. No one is forcing us into any corner. We are finally free.