Our time together has been stale
Musty with smells of yesterday
I agree that it’s been less than optimal for both of us,
Our time together,
Which can also be called
Our time apart.
For until we are done cleaning house
We will be experiencing the pains of growth
And the burden of our past lives
weighing down on us,
pushing us towards our destiny
of togetherness.
I can’t even imagine what togetherness would look like.
Frozen in time now.
So like who even cares. Why do I hafta walk through this aisle of pain, shame, grief and heartache. Who asked for this? My life would’ve been fine without him and his insecurities. I refuse to be the one to do all the work. Let him show up for a change.
My Inner Complainer
The walls have expanded to fit me and my husband’s stories together. We are bound by our souls and we have some corrections to make together. I, in my attitude and behavior towards him. And he, in his attitude and behavior towards me. We need to be married to accomplish this. I need to feel isolated and ashamed to share my true feelings with him. I need to learn that it is unfair to BOTH of us if I remain silent and keep to myself.
I need to find language to reach him with. I need to feel like I know fosure that there is someone better out there for me who life would be so much easier to live with. AND I need to decide that I am staying (which I did over here) and I am not leaving my husband for another man. I need to accept that imaginary lovers are not lovers. I need to take responsibility for my marriage’s future. Now.
I don’t want to admit that it’s NOT OK to live together but not live together. I don’t want to admit that I have a strong desire. I don’t want to admit that I have girl power.
I want to stay adamant in my defiance and prediction that this marriage has no real hope for real reconciliation. I want to stay curled up in bed waiting for magic and mystery to cast a spell and disengage me so that I don’t have to do the work.
It’s silly to think like this, though. I have no choice. Karma is strong.
I know that I must live and let live. I know that I must let go and let God. I know that I can use my own experiences while trying to navigate my life, as a way of seeing the world and gaining a deeper appreciation for the happenings therein. That is all I have to go by – my own experience. My own experience would include asking for help and learning from others, who learn from their own experiences on this Earth. And so we are in a continuous loop of living and learning.
I believe in reincarnation. I believe that I was once (plus more times) living in another body and after my time was up, I was given a chance to come back again, mostly to rectify poor choices I had made in the previous lifetime. Free choice is what allows me to be Godly human being. Destiny would account for all the factors in my life over which I have no control – the settings that made up the background of my life (family of origin, birthplace, things that “happened” to me). These situations have brought me to the place where I am now in almost the same exact position that I was in a past life, when I did not make a good LIFE choice. How will I react now? With integrity or selfishly? Will I disclose my secret or will I play the game until the end? Will I be loving or standoffish?
I believe that all the pain and suffering that comes along with the destiny part – the abusive family of origin, the impossible teacher, the accident, the physical handicaps .. even though it was part of the background setting to bring me to a place of choice, each item that was in my story is significant and not a mistake. It is fair. Even if it is not deserved as a punishment for something, it is not a mistake or haphazard event that by luck I was struck with. I believe that my soul needed it for some reason and if I don’t know why, I will one day find out. There could be many accounts that I have to close with this one life here.
If not for the past life regression therapy that I have done recently, I would not be able to say this with conviction. But since I experienced this in therapy and I see how my present life correlates with events in past lives, I can say this with a knowing. I have seen some mistakes I have made in past lives, such as a murder I committed, families I ruined, a spouse I rejected and a spouse I took with force. This time around I have been given the chance to “take that back” and to show I have learned my lesson (with those same souls, no less.)
It’s not easy. But it’s the only way out.
Out of what? Out of feeling that suffering is senseless.
I have been contemplating what my next topic for the blog will be. I haven’t yet mentioned past life regression here. Or karmic relationships. I haven’t talked that much about self-love, affirmations or mirror work. I haven’t really explained how I managed to change my perceptions and move the focus of my life story onto a new subject – Me.
I began writing the blog determined to figure this thing called BPD out! And I see more and more that it’s about finding out who I am.
My husband’s BPD is his story. It’s interesting to me that he himself is not aware of his own story. He lives it every moment and yet he is unaware that it has a name and that there is help for him. But still, it’s HIS story.
My story is that I am a separate person and I DON’T have BPD. So what DO I HAVE?
In other words, what is my story?
I always knew that I did not want to live my life as a REACTOR to my husband or to others. I wanted to be the one who took positive action by my own volition. With my own set of wishes and preferences. Now that I have set down the BPD story and have given it back to its rightful owner, my DH (did I just call him a dear husband?) , I am free to pursue anything that makes me happy. I can stop wrapping myself in the blanket of his love which does not exist for me. I can stop pretending that I am happy when I am not. I can stop bewitching and begrudging everyone who is in a happy (looking) marriage. I can STOP trying so hard to understand what is HAPPENING TO ME.
Now, that last sentence, I TAKE BACK. I take it back! I will never stop trying to understand what is happening to me because the more I understand, the better I can function. I believe that my reality is created based on some internal belief system. PLUS I believe in a Higher Power who will make right in the world no matter what. I believe in this thing called karma which is so hard to explain. I believe that if I talk about what is happening to me, if I share it here, if I read up on whatever interests me, if I work things out with a dedicated therapist, if I run my thoughts by close friends who support me, if I allow myself private time to just BE – with myself and with Higher Power – it will help me find inner peace.
I can never dull the ache and stop the persistent voice that says Why, Why, Why. I am a thinking, living human being with a soul that will never stop wanting to grow and to connect and to love. And most importantly, to UNDERSTAND!!!
As a child I was taught that asking too many questions is not a good thing. I picked up that it causes problems (mainly for adults who don’t want to answer me….) and it also shows a disrespect and an attitude of being a non-believer in the Creator’s inherent goodness. In other words, if I don’t happily accept (i.e. dumbly and numbly) everything that is happening to me or around me without asking questions, it implies that I don’t believe that everything that happens is for the good. FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE!!? Who made that one up!? Fearful idiots. (Oy, excuse me. I’m getting angry now.)
That’s a misguided way of living which I will not sign up to. I must ask and I must seek answers. And guess what?! There are people out there who have answers. I don’t have to wait until I die and meet the ALL KNOWING G-d to know what I need to know to live a happy, functional life.
To be continued…..
Finding Whole 