I have been contemplating what my next topic for the blog will be. I haven’t yet mentioned past life regression here. Or karmic relationships. I haven’t talked that much about self-love, affirmations or mirror work. I haven’t really explained how I managed to change my perceptions and move the focus of my life story onto a new subject – Me.
I began writing the blog determined to figure this thing called BPD out! And I see more and more that it’s about finding out who I am.
My husband’s BPD is his story. It’s interesting to me that he himself is not aware of his own story. He lives it every moment and yet he is unaware that it has a name and that there is help for him. But still, it’s HIS story.
My story is that I am a separate person and I DON’T have BPD. So what DO I HAVE?
In other words, what is my story?
I always knew that I did not want to live my life as a REACTOR to my husband or to others. I wanted to be the one who took positive action by my own volition. With my own set of wishes and preferences. Now that I have set down the BPD story and have given it back to its rightful owner, my DH (did I just call him a dear husband?) , I am free to pursue anything that makes me happy. I can stop wrapping myself in the blanket of his love which does not exist for me. I can stop pretending that I am happy when I am not. I can stop bewitching and begrudging everyone who is in a happy (looking) marriage.
I can STOP trying so hard to understand what is HAPPENING TO ME.
Now, that last sentence, I TAKE BACK. I take it back! I will never stop trying to understand what is happening to me because the more I understand, the better I can function. I believe that my reality is created based on some internal belief system. PLUS I believe in a Higher Power who will make right in the world no matter what. I believe in this thing called karma which is so hard to explain. I believe that if I talk about what is happening to me, if I share it here, if I read up on whatever interests me, if I work things out with a dedicated therapist, if I run my thoughts by close friends who support me, if I allow myself private time to just BE – with myself and with Higher Power – it will help me find inner peace.
I can never dull the ache and stop the persistent voice that says Why, Why, Why. I am a thinking, living human being with a soul that will never stop wanting to grow and to connect and to love. And most importantly, to UNDERSTAND!!!
As a child I was taught that asking too many questions is not a good thing. I picked up that it causes problems (mainly for adults who don’t want to answer me….) and it also shows a disrespect and an attitude of being a non-believer in the Creator’s inherent goodness. In other words, if I don’t happily accept (i.e. dumbly and numbly) everything that is happening to me or around me without asking questions, it implies that I don’t believe that everything that happens is for the good. FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE!!? Who made that one up!? Fearful idiots. (Oy, excuse me. I’m getting angry now.)
That’s a misguided way of living which I will not sign up to. I must ask and I must seek answers. And guess what?! There are people out there who have answers. I don’t have to wait until I die and meet the ALL KNOWING G-d to know what I need to know to live a happy, functional life.
To be continued…..