His BPD Does This To Me

My husband’s BPD has kept me on my toes. I often feel like running. Then I come back to look at his face and at my three children’s faces and I say WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?!?! Is this for real?

He’s had me walking on eggshells – and those can really hurt if you are walking barefoot. Then I just wanna shout WHO LEFT THESE DUMB EGGSHELLS ALL OVER THE PLACE??!!

He’s had me thinking that I’m flawed.

He’s had me thinking that every household in the whole world runs like clockwork, is not noisy, and is basically perfect in every way. (i.e. in the ways HE thinks are perfect.)

He’s had me thinking that he knows everything best.

He’s pointed out every flaw, real or imagined, that I have or might have or may have once possessed or may begin to possess if he does not nip it in the bud.

He’s shown me the definition of many words that I would rather not write. 

His BPD has told him that buying people’s love is done via fulfilling certain duties that are measurable, countable and dispensed at very specific intervals. When love is not reciprocated via specific actions (read: compliance) his BPD immediately dismisses the person as bad and/or unfortunate.

My husband’s BPD also does this to me:

• Has me reach out to a Higher Power to show me direction and normalcy.
• Has me seek out safety and nurturing from trusted people who love me for free.
• Has me ask my many questions to professionals or guides who believe I deserve answers.
• Has me nourish myself, by myself.
• Has me learning and modeling the art of boundaries and limit setting.
• Has me more in tune to the unspoken word and fluttering of the soul.

It’s a daily adventure. Maybe I chose this. I can’t remember so far back to before I was born….They say you choose the setting for your book before you come down to Earth. This is some novel I’m living in.